<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Strange and foreign feelings by cosmic_dust95</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24918799">Strange and foreign feelings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_dust95/pseuds/cosmic_dust95'>cosmic_dust95</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:49:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,641</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24918799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_dust95/pseuds/cosmic_dust95</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On the day of Hashirama's wedding ceremony, his childhood friend, Madara, shows up bringing mess into Hashirama's already confused head.</p>
<p>And... maybe heart?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Senju Hashirama/Uchiha Madara, Senju Hashirama/Uzumaki Mito</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>84</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Mamoritai</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>'What could go wrong?' </em>Hashirama thought.</p><p>If nothing else, at least people will have fun and get away from daily boring routines. Since he couldn't find enough time to organize or announce an official celebration or festival for creating Konoha because its planning and building as a new settlement with Uchihas, is exhausting, any kind of such content sounds good. It's not like he is overly excited or happy for getting married, hell, he never gave so much time thinking about it because his priority is to fulfill and persuade dreams of everlasting peace in the Shinobi world.</p><p>For his excuse, it was Tobirama's idea in the first place. One day he just stormed into his office to suggest forming an alliance between Senju and Uzumaki, clan of their distant relatives, and secure it with an arranged marriage, for it could be beneficial to Konoha. Even so, Hashirama was taken aback by the sudden proposal, and he mumbled out something like he would consider it. And what was that Madara said? Ah, right. Just a regular sarcastic comment, <em>"</em><em>Get that stupid look off of your face and cut out unnecessary concern because we both know you'll agree. By the way, change the Hokage title into something more fitting your personality. For example... Kizoku. All hail to Senju Hashirama, our Kizoku. Perfect."</em></p><p>Hashirama chuckled a little at that flashback memory and speaking of Madara, where is he? Madara is never late no matter what occasion is about; consulting further plans for the village, attending the meetings, going on missions, even visiting his precious falcons was always about at the same time, so... why is he late for being a guest at his best and only friend's wedding?</p><p>Hashirama's eyes, as far as they could reach, searched every single corner, but due to all the present people, floral decorations and many other ceremonial ornaments, it was hard to maintain the focus. Before the serious or concern expression on his face could betray him, Hashirama lowered his eyes upon his tanned hands while trying to divert his thoughts and be a little more of a patient person at the same time. <em>'He will come. He told me so.'</em></p><p>From time to time, he would turn to his left and exchange either short, soft glances or small, discrete smile with Uzumaki Mito, his soon-wife-to-be, returning to gaze down on his hands right away. Mito's face was radiating genuine excitement, but Hashirama did not over analyze it.</p><p>It's not like Hashirama doesn't like her, her beauty could speak for herself. That long red hair, fair skin complexion, sharp green eyes, plump lips and all dressed up in beautiful wedding clothes made her into a living doll. What he doesn't like is rather a ridiculous fact they don't even know each other that well. Before this day, they have had a few conversations, mostly discussing ceremonial details such as a number of invited guests, catering, and decorations. And nothing personal. Nothing private like normal soon-to-be-wed couples do. Sure, after this day they could run their mouths from all the upcoming talks to get to know each other better, but that sounds really tough. Long and challenging road awaits them. Starting from tonight with sharing the same bed, and regardless of him lack experience, he knows that eventually they will have to consummate their marriage.</p><p>Distracting himself with overthinking, few more minutes passed, and Hashirama decided that if Madara doesn't show up in a period of five more minutes, he would call little Kagami and send him over to check what took Madara for so long. The ceremony will not start until he shows up, even if that requires Hashirama dragging him from the Uchiha compound all the way. Period.</p><p>For not too long, maybe in less than two minutes, everything became quiet. Usual loud conversations and laughs between guests slowly muffled down to whispers, and before they become inaudible, Hashirama's ears caught, <em>'Oh, look. He's here.'</em></p><p>Hashirama shakes his head, smiling softly to himself because there was no need to think too much about the person who could cause this sudden change of atmosphere. Waves of happiness and excitement smashed him to the core because Madara finally showed up.</p><p>When the softest, calming breeze passed by, playing with his wedding attire, Hashirama caught a strong, masculine scent, making his head a little heavier for his likings. Mixture of ingredients was rich; warm jasmine, sensual sandalwood and fierce patchouli embraced by a hint of something fresh. Something citrus?! Vetiver?! Maybe both?! The more he thought about it, the more his head felt heavier.</p><p>Hashirama sighed giving up, finally lifting his gaze and in the moment of his eyes landing on Madara, the need to burn this scenery, deep down in whatever part of the brain responsible for superior functions like keeping memories, consumed him. If only he had had a Sharingan, he would have to play it repeatedly because he definitely hasn't expected what was in front of him. Eager eyes were commanding him not to dare look at anything or anyone else, like something bewitched him.</p><p>So he stares. Carefully observing his childhood friend from head to toe, mesmerized by the latter's appearance. <em>'No surprise you're late.'</em></p><p>Madara, walking between two decorated rows of almost every taken chair by invited (and now silent) guests, with a few other Uchiha clan members behind his back.<em> 'Hah, this is something new'</em>, Hashirama noticed and bitterly smiled, for Madara hates having anyone behind him, even if that was or could be a person from his own clan. Man had some serious trust issues.</p><p>His curly midnight hair was half tied up with a long red ribbon, half down, revealing his gorgeous face features completely. Only two strands of hair by both sides of his head are gracefully falling from the roots above his forehead, down to his temples and aristocratic high cheekbones all the way under his chin where they were slightly curled. Madara's long and dark lashes framed a set of two blazing and red piercing eyes. <em>'Seriously, Madara? Do you really lack that much trust in me and think someone would attack you on my wedding day? Even so, I would do everything in my might to protect you. Wait! Who could tame Madara's hair like that?! And how?!</em>'</p><p>While the invasion of weird questions and thoughts creep its way into Hashirama's head, he figured that he is an idiot. Such thoughts are proof that he can be unreasonable. Once he is alone, he is about to face-palm himself. Like, hard.</p><p>But truth to be told, Hashirama never thought seeing this Madara would feel this... exciting? He definitely expected something casual since Madara isn't the type who pays too much attention to such things as formal or extraordinary clothing. But this two-piece set of clothing; black silk hakama paired with kimono adorned with beautiful red embroidery starting from the top of Madara's shoulders traveling down to the edges of wide sleeves all around, and red obi around his waist holding everything in place, is a combo made in Heaven. These clothes embraced Madara's slender body figure just in the right places making him look like some kind of divinity.</p><p>Hashirama catches a few women opening their fans either to get away from heat or to hide their flushed cheeks. After all, who could blame them. Even men turn around to admire his friend. Others have exchanged a few words or whispers here and there between themselves.</p><p>And Madara... he couldn't care less. His pale skin and dark clothes opposing colourful, floral landscape was dreamlike. Damn it, but Hashirama never used to be proud and blessed to this extent for Madara being his friend before.</p><p>Still, something feels off. Hashirama's eyes lingered around the edges of the embroidered sleeves once again. Madara's fingers could be seen, which means... his hands were bare. That's it. Oh, Hashirama can't remember the last time he saw his bare hands since Madara isn't willing to give up wearing gloves all the damn time. Who would have thought, and who would dare to think that those pretty hands with long, elegant fingers were bathing in blood during many years of war?! Hashirama is so thankful for the successfully formed alliance between their clans, aspired to maintain the peace and everything else they achieved together by far; from skipping stones to being clan leaders, up to creating a village. Their village from childhood dreams.</p><p>Oh, and his feet could be seen as well. The sandals were probably basic ones, but there isn't time for marveling at that detail when Madara presents his beautiful stoic face and lithe body. He is truly, mesmerisingly gorgeous.</p><p>
  <em>'But it's always like this, Madara. It will always be. Wherever you go, silence and fear accompany you. Whatever you do, others question or debate it - do you do it for their or your sake, they don't trust you enough. They think they know you, but, oh... Madara. I will never forget that night, sitting on the porch outside your house under the pale moonlight and starred sky, when we were both wasted or devastated; me hearing about a sudden marriage proposal and you about your never-ending pain and grief for losing Izuna. I will never forget those silent tears in your eyes while you talked about how skinny and small he used to be. How you two would hide kittens and take care of them, giving your best not to be caught by your father because he would scold you for extra milk and bread being waisted. How you two would fight over an orange, sharing it equally in the end. I will never forget when you said to me in your broken voice, just above a whisper. "Hashirama... you are everything I have left, you are the only memory that doesn't pain me." I didn't tell you that night, but trust me, my friend, every time I remember it, I feel my heart is about to explode because I don't know how to tear away your sadness, ease your heartache and share your burdens. To make things even more complicated, you don't talk about any of it unless you are drunk. And even then you sound cryptic and distant. I often can't go deep beneath the surface to look for your hidden feelings. You are a mixture of an emotional person who can’t communicate how you feel, and a rational one who talks about everything else. Madara... I know, and I see you try really hard to make yourself worthy of being acknowledged by everyone. I can only hope they will see it too. You take me as a naïve fool, making fun of my 'walking-ray-of-sunshine-always-smiling-and-radiating-positivity' appearance by saying people will never take me seriously, but from the depths of my being I hope it will help you heal faster so I can see your sincere smile I cherish so much.'</em>
</p><p>Hashirama was so lost in the world of his own thoughts and memories, forgetting about where he was and what kind of duty he had to deal with. He noticed that Madara had already taken his seat in the first row, arms and legs crossed, while his black clothes and hair flutter in the air radiating strong-aromatic scent leaving everyone intoxicated, including Hashirama himself.</p><p>After making eye contact for the first time, Madara's lips parted and closed almost immediately, giving Hashirama a brief nod as a silent greeting. Hashirama didn't even try to search for any emotion on Madara's face so he just nodded back, being absolutely unconscious of a strong glare from Mito sitting by his left.</p><p>- - -</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Saudade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Since everything was prepared and settled down long ago, right after Madara's and other significant Uchihas arrival, the traditional wedding ceremony started at a shrine which Hashirama has built by himself using Mokuton.</p>
<p>Recalling the day when they had to consider the places where the ceremony and celebration party would take, everybody suggested the temple for the wedding and the Hokage tower for the party. That was the first and only time he disagreed with suggestions by saying, <em>"Your opinions have been considered, and I consider them worthless."</em> Literally. In the end, he is in charge of everything, no one dared to contradict him, anyway.</p>
<p>He is a nature lover, so why choose something that trivial when he could build something unique on his own. And the weather was perfect; nature was exhaling the last breaths of spring and slowly but steadily inhaling upcoming summer's warm days and long nights.</p>
<p>So, the modest shrine, more resembling a pavilion, rises on flat ground on the outskirts of Konoha, which is planned to be cultivated with wheat, barley, and poppies.</p>
<p>Hashirama raised a shrine on four wooden pillars made of hinoki cypress directly from the ground, with no sidewalls, and covered the structure with a sloping yet elegant gabled roof in a hexagonal pyramid shape. Next day, he brought children from nearby houses to help him paint it in white, enjoying the process to the fullest. He was about to leave it like that, but then Madara, in his drunken state one night, gave him another and better ideas than all those people who tried to do the same while being sober and eventually failed. To sprout wisteria around the pillars and instead of grassy floor to use wooden tiles with simple tatami mats over where he and Mito would take seats. <em>Brilliant.</em></p>
<p>Back to the ceremony, the priest expressed his honour and gratitude to witness this union and then performed a ritual purification for Hashirama and Mito, announcing their marriage to the Kamis and asking for their blessings. Hashirama inwardly asked for help as well.</p>
<p>When the priest asked him to say his oath, somehow, Hashirama uttered it cogently in such a way that maybe he could fulfill it with the same ease too. Since everything he does, he does it with commitment from the bottom of his heart, he made a promise that he would at least try to do the same for this marriage.</p>
<p>The entire ceremony was fine, but honestly, the best part was drinking those three cups of sake, not only because he loves it but rather for drinking them one after another. Just enough to loose himself a little.</p>
<p>The ceremony ended with symbolic offerings to the gods and to make it less complicated, both of them agreed to exchange wedding rings with engraved crests of their equally respected clans.</p>
<p>When everything was finally and officially over, people cheered with a round of long-lasting applause. After bowing down to the priest and guests, he motioned in Tobirama's direction to come over and ask if he could lead guests to the tent for a celebratory meal and party while he and Mito change their clothes into something more comfortable. Before their little conversation was over, Mito was already halfway gone together with the maids.</p>
<p>Despite Hashirama's joy when being around people, every unit in his body, from recuperating blood cells to the bones and muscles, felt sore and heavy. He could hardly wait for the day to end in order to sleep without single care about what tomorrow has in store for him.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Green meadow, calming creek and pine scent from the surrounding forest with a celebration tent, situated not so far from the shrine by its right side, blended in utter perfection. The tent was illuminated by forty starling lanterns counting the same number of wooden pillars, twenty by both sides connecting to roof tiles decorated by cascading white cotton drapery, adding softness and a special touch of glamour. There was just enough space for musicians with their instruments, dance floor and fifty invited guests in total.</p>
<p>To avoid any kind of conflict between invited people, Mito insisted on arrangements of five tables with ten seats, each table for one clan; Senju, Uzumaki, Uchiha, Sarutobi and Yamanaka.</p>
<p>Tables with small bondi lanterns and welcoming cards were arranged on highly polished wooden floor with tatami mats, the head table seating only newly married couple looking over the party.</p>
<p>Conceptualizing a floral display that hung horizontally above the head table was a unique way to create a focal point inside the tent, but Hashirama found it to be the hardest part.</p>
<p>He just couldn't decide what kind of flower to use. White or pink rose? Red tulip? Cactus flower? Daffodil? First ones mean innocence and devotion, trust and happiness, second one means fame, third lust, fourth respect, and nothing sounds good enough. He went for Bluebell because it simply means gratitude in the end.</p>
<p>A cozy interior encouraged guests to sit and get ready for a chat and party all night long, all while admiring the tent’s ambiance and decor designed by Hashirama all by himself.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>By sundown, the celebratory meal had been served, people were dancing, talking and laughing and everything seemed to be in order.</p>
<p>Somewhat later it was time to cut the wedding cake and make a new toast for the newlyweds.</p>
<p>From time to time, people would come to them to say best wishes addressed to a new chapter in their lives, say their congratulations and hand over the wedding gifts.</p>
<p>Only around midnight, when all of that was almost done and Hashirama retreated some of his lost freedom, his eyes looked in the direction of Uchiha's table, searching for Madara only to find an empty seat. Hashirama abruptly turned his head from side to side to see Hikaku and Naori on the dance floor and the rest of Uchihas outside the tent having conversations with guests from other clans.</p>
<p><em>'Where did you go,' </em>Hashirama wondered. Just at the moment when he was about to storm out and look after him, his eyes looked over the tent once again in case he didn't do it right for the first time. All interesting he could find this time was Mito dancing and Tobirama eating the rest of the cake from his plate.</p>
<p>Before his brain could comprehend what was going on and why his chakra flow was slightly disrupted, some gravitational force pulled him forward, stepping out of the tent. The first thing he marveled at was a beautiful, chill night. Millions of stars touched the black canvas and transformed it completely, and that full moon was beautiful radiating its light in the direction of a shrine.</p>
<p>Hashirama's full set of brain cells used to marvel at the night all at once, and then none when he spotted Madara standing in all his grace and glory under the roof of a shrine, changed with the speed of light. He let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.</p>
<p>Taking a new, deeper one, he started to walk over there, eager to hear Madara's deep, velvety voice, see his gorgeous face and enjoy his presence. At every step, Hashirama's chakra was maddening with pure ecstasy, making him confused and excited at the same time.</p>
<p>When he stepped into the shrine, he had a feeling that the distance from tent to the shrine was long for miles. His lips parted to greet his friend, but Madara was faster.</p>
<p>"Stop sneaking behind my back, idiot Senju. You know it's the second thing I hate the most."</p>
<p>Hearing him talk for the first time this day, a sudden feel of warmth mixed with an overwhelming unknown emotion took over Hashirama. "Remind me once again, what was the first one?" He asked with a smile on his lips and took two steps closer to a wooden pillar.</p>
<p>"Crowded places and people," came a short reply.</p>
<p>"Right," Hashirama clicked with his tongue. "How did you know it was me approaching you?" He blurted the next question while leaning on a pillar with his back all the time looking at Madara's side face.</p>
<p>"Unlike you, Hashirama, I hone my sensory skills," Madara answered sincerely, his eyes still darting around the sky. "Why are you here?"</p>
<p>"Because you weren't there," Hashirama motioned with his head in the tent's direction, "so I wanted to check up on you. Besides, you didn't congratulate me."</p>
<p>Leaning against the pillar opposite Hashirama's, Madara faced him. "I didn't know I had to report my every single move or express congratulations for an arranged marriage, but here you go. Pardon my antics and congratulations, Shodaime. All the best."</p>
<p>Sharp! Hashirama followed every movement Madara has made, from the way moonlight played with his clothes, leaving glossy trails to the way he crossed his arms in the dark. His cheekbones were distinctly highlighted, lips pressed in a thin line.</p>
<p><em>'If only you could be more honest and less sarcastic'</em> was what he wanted to say, but, "Sold," came out as the final answer. Hashirama knows when Madara replies with 'Hn', upcoming silence could stretch from Konoha all the way to Suna and the distance between these villages was three straight days of running. Silence has always been his worst enemy since he couldn't be quiet and Madara unbothered by any of it. And Madara's reply now was exactly that one, '<em>Hn'.</em></p>
<p>But he is a persistent person, so instead of falling into stupid and unnecessary silence, he spoke again. "You were late," it wasn't a question, but he made it sounds so. "For a moment I thought you might not come."</p>
<p>"I'm never late, I come when it suits me," Madara said with a shrug.</p>
<p>"Yeah, so you just wanted to steal the show and make people envious of your good looks?"</p>
<p>"You know I don't give a damn about any of that, but that's not the case. When I met with others to come over here, Hikaku asked me where the wedding gift was. Since I have never attended a wedding outside my clan, I have no clue about any traditions of yours, so..." He lowered his head.</p>
<p>"There is no need for any of that between you and me," Hashirama interrupted him before he could finish the sentence.</p>
<p>"We lost some time discussing it, but somehow we managed. I have also lost some time when going to your office to drop it next to that stupid plant of yours on the desk."</p>
<p>"Thank you, but really, there was no need for all that trouble just because you think you had to do it. Besides, that stupid plant is called bonsai." That's what Hashirama said and immediately had to shut his mouth before an actual sentence floating all over his brain could be outspoken, '<em>You are my gift from the divine.' </em></p>
<p>Madara just nodded, unfolding his arms, and took his leave. Before Hashirama could think about what next to do or say, his right hand was already in the air finding its safe place to land, Madara's right shoulder. Both of them were startled, but neither moved.</p>
<p>"Where are you going?"</p>
<p>"Home." </p>
<p>"Already?! But why?!"</p>
<p>"Because I have no five days off like you, and it's probably past midnight. If there's something you need to say, spill it out, so I can take my rest back home."</p>
<p>Hashirama hesitated before his lips whispered one little plea. "Stay."</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>The only noise was that of the water coming from a nearby creek and the life which buzzed around them. </p>
<p>Hashirama stood behind Madara's back and his body moved idly on its own. His hand lazily slid from Madara's shoulder only to stop on the upper arm, his forehead leaning where the hand used to be seconds ago.</p>
<p>Under the palm of his hand, he could feel the rush of Madara's bloodstream, spasm of muscles and warmth of that body part. That strong-aromatic fragrance radiating from his clothes enveloped Hashirama's every sense. A hint of something fresh he couldn't get through a few hours ago were lemon grass and green tea. Hashirama's eyelids were heavy, so he closed them, enjoying the softness of that untamed midnight hair.</p>
<p>Strange and foreign feelings have cornered him, constricting his lungs to scream for air, making his rational state of mind sounding lunatic.</p>
<p>Those strange and foreign feelings grew in solitude, not in tact with others. It felt so good, so powerful and so weak with an equal measure and intensity.</p>
<p>Those strange and foreign feelings made him feel cosmic and beautiful. They breathed life into every cell of Hashirama's body just like a day breathes life into all living things.</p>
<p>He couldn't tell the origin of those feelings because he has never felt this way before, so he just let himself surrender completely.</p>
<p>After what felt like an eternity, but barely ten seconds have passed, Madara's voice broke the spell. "Why? Is something bothering you?"</p>
<p>Hashirama sighed, raising his head. "There are a lot of things, but, to be precise, I take this marriage as the biggest concern."</p>
<p>That hand placed on Madara's brachium slid back to Hashirama's side when he turned around to face him. "What could concern you that much about something as trivial as marriage?"</p>
<p>"Everything. I have no idea what to do and from where to start. I... I don't know," he stammered. "It hurts my head just by thinking about it."</p>
<p>"Then don't think, you don't have a brain set for that, so just go with the flow. If you worry about her loving you, it's impossible not to because that big mooshy-gooshy heart of yours is what defines you. Respect each other's time and habits. Be devoted and faithful, and that's it." After a short pause, smirking, he added. "Also, be good in bed."</p>
<p>Eyes almost dropping out from his eye sockets, Hashirama said, "You certainly know too much about this matter. Did you have some strange interactions recently?" He mockingly asked, lifting his eyebrows playfully.</p>
<p>"Ha ha," Madara rolled his eyes. "I don't associate myself with women. They are weak and weakness..."</p>
<p>"Disgusts you," Hashirama finished.</p>
<p>"Hn," Madara fell silent for a few seconds looking at Hashirama and then averted his eyes back at the tent. "You should go back, I'm leaving anyway."</p>
<p>Depressed cloud loomed over Hashirama who was pouting like he used to do when they were kids.</p>
<p>"Idiot Senju."</p>
<p>Hashirama stretched out an open palm as a sign for him to continue. But when feather-like touch lingered on his left shoulder yet emitting warmth, he realised too little too late it was actually Madara's hand giving him a little squeeze.</p>
<p>"Thank you for inviting me, I did have a pleasant time," he said it in a low but firm voice. "Congratulations, Hashirama, and good night."</p>
<p>Something sweet was hanging in the air. Something like chocolate, blueberries and sake. Again, too little too late, Hashirama realised it came from Madara's mouth, probably caused by proximity. Those strange and foreign feelings caught him off-guard once again.</p>
<p>"Good night," he whispered back to the dark of night, watching Madara walking away.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Moira (Part 1)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Back at home, outside in the beautiful garden, under the giant, umbrella-shaped bonsai tree, Hashirama was resting in his swing chair, enjoying the sound coming from the cicadas. His Sage Mode allowed him to tap into the natural force of the world and feel the way the leaves change their position, flowers start to open and emit nocturnal fragrances, fireflies fly around and send out their trademark yellow flashes. He thinks of it as nature’s evening song to lure and welcome other creatures of the night.</p>
<p>While waiting for Mito to get out of the bathroom, so he could take his turn to refresh, he would just close his eyes and take time seeking the way for his mind to go blank. Heavens above know he is in a desperate need for it. Years of war haven't made him tired like this stressful day, and despite his large chakra reserve, he was done for good.</p>
<p>But the odds were not in his favor tonight, and if only that could change as easily as he desired.</p>
<p>No matter how hard he shut his eyes or clenched his teeth, vivid pictures of Madara under the soft light of the moon were continuously overflowing the last bits of his sanity. Vivid pictures of his hair melting with the sky, the resolution in his appearance and steady composure, face glowing under the moonlight, his unhesitating tone, the way the darkness of a serene night embraced him when walking out the shrine... it was all too much. Madara's little squeeze-touch on the shoulder should be noted as a natural movement seeking for Hashirama's attention, but his brain somehow conveyed it into prickles. Hashirama tried to soothe it using medical ninjutsu but felt his efforts were all for naught. Although he could feel the little flames creep deeper and deeper within his body, overcoming the obstacles in their way to tickle his nerve endings, this was something beyond the physical.</p>
<p>Hashirama recalls his way of rejoining the party. He went straight into drinking a few cups of sake because he couldn't deal with all the pent-up emotions within his chest on his own, so he decided to drink with high hopes for alcohol.</p>
<p>But reality always hits where hurts the most. Alcohol did more harm than good because everything he used to feel till then amplified to the point where his blood started to boil, warming him up from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Hashirama's fingertips were tickling from the sensations caused by the memory of touching Madara through his silky kimono. They have never been that close. It seemed almost unreal. Madara even touched him. The first and the last time he did something like that happened on the day when they signed a peace treaty confirming it with a solid handshake. On the same day, his hands were bare too, but what is really unfortunate, he couldn't remember how it used to feel.</p>
<p>But tonight was different. They were alone. Thus, it felt more intimate and peculiar. How could such a slight gesture of his hand make Hashirama craving to feel something more?!</p>
<p>Something more?! Something more of what? How long has he been in this storm? When did he start to feel this way for Madara? In the end, and, after all, what exactly does he feel? And why?</p>
<p>His mind was running a mile a minute connecting the dots, looking for answers. "Damn you," he muttered when none came.</p>
<p>Hashirama back then would probably have drowned in his misery if Tobirama didn't approach and told him to go home along with Mito, try to get some sleep and leave him and Tōka take care of the rest. As always, Hashirama obeyed. Nothing new.</p>
<p>He let himself get sidetracked by hearing the bathroom door open and close, indicating that Mito was done. However, he remained still giving her some more privacy and time on her way back to the bedroom.</p>
<p>A few seconds later, he heard the door open and close again, but this time from the direction of the bedroom, only then Hashirama got up, going straight to the bathroom, stripping off his clothes.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Water has always made Hashirama feel calm, soothing his sore body with every drop. It reminded him of his mother. Unlike his father, who was all about brutal force and dominance, she was so caring, full of love and compassion.</p>
<p>Water has always made Hashirama feel happy and alive, bringing him back to that summer when he met Madara at the riverbank with sloppy skipping stones skills.</p>
<p>Hashirama sighed for the nth time, stepping out of the bathtub and grabbed a clean towel to dry himself.</p>
<p>This night is destined to torture him, keeping its focus only on one living being; Madara. Every time he thought about anything or anyone else, his brain would just keep pushing Madara in the front until he overshadows the rest of his thoughts.</p>
<p>He put on some clean knee-length pants, combed through his hair to get rid of knots and was ready to take his leave, but... just when he was about to open the door, his hand stilled on the doorknob as it was glued. Leaning on the cold, steamy door with his forehead, his mind drifted to Mito and the bedroom. How in the hell is he going to do things right through all this agony? The palm of his other hand climbed up to cover his mouth, his vision blurred. What has he done?! He will enter the bedroom and then... What? Jump over her? Say something nice like how he longed for this night, being impatient to kiss her lips, touch her skin? He is a generous and polite person, but he is not a liar or a pretender who will use somebody just to please his own needs.</p>
<p>This is bad. It was from the beginning, but who is there to blame? Tobirama did propose, but he is the one who accepted an offer. Madara was right. "<em>Once a clement is always a clement,"</em> that's what he used to say every time Hashirama has put others and their priorities before his own.</p>
<p>If only he could focus on the actual problem right now instead of bringing back Madara over and over again. Thinking about his actions, his words... he could barely hold it anymore.</p>
<p>His eyes lingered on the floor tiles, observing the fallen droplets, unsure whether they were his tears or actual water drops. Hashirama felt his eyes close, short breath escaping from his lips.</p>
<p>What would Madara say if he could see him in such a state?! <em>"You First Hokage, the one being called God of Shinobi, acting like this? Afraid of a marriage like a little boy hiding in the bathroom? Pathetic. Get a hold of yourself and man up, you idiot."</em></p>
<p>"Why can't you just leave me on my own?" Hashirama whispered, bitterly smiling. Feeling this helpless isn't something he is used to. But somehow he managed to straighten his back, dry his face with the back of his hands and walked out.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Stepping into the bedroom, Hashirama found Mito sitting on the edge of the bed in her sleeping yukata while smearing some honey-scented lotion on her hands. Her red hair was down, reaching the waistline, face unreadable. She is more beautiful without all that heavy make-up, light-brown freckles around her little nose and cheeks could be visible, and Hashirama found it cute.</p>
<p>He closed the door and walked across the room to shut the window.</p>
<p>"No, leave it open, please. I almost suffocated back there at the party from the lack of fresh air." So, Mito has made the first step. Bold. Seeing her hair would be enough to describe her as a fierce woman.</p>
<p>"Fine by me," Hashirama said, shrugging his shoulders. When he came back to the bed, he slumped down face-first. "No wonder people marry only once in their lives. It's exhausting," words muffled by the pillow.</p>
<p>Mito chuckled. "Hah, depends. I knew an aunt who used to marry four times. Man, she was crazy."</p>
<p>"You are joking, right?" Hashirama turned now lying on his back, eyes wide open.</p>
<p>"You wish," came the unfaltering response. "Mother used to say she was reckless since the day she was born and the one who used to say it," Mito coughed a little clearing her throat. "I'll never get married. Like ever," she finished imitating auntie's voice.</p>
<p>"And her voice was that high-pitched?" Hashirama asked through a laugh.</p>
<p>Mito nodded before she stretched her hand forward to turn off the night lamp next to her bed. She slumped back onto the pillows, exhaling weariness. The silence lasted a few heartbeats before she spoke again. "Can you turn off that lamp by your side before I throw it out the window?"</p>
<p>"Oh! Take it easy," Hashirama startled, immediately moved the upper part of his body to switch out the light.</p>
<p>"Thanks."</p>
<p>Once again the room was in silence.</p>
<p>"But it was nice," Mito said in the dark.</p>
<p>"Nice what?"</p>
<p>"The wedding."</p>
<p>"Oh. Yeah, it was," Hashirama said matter-of-factly.</p>
<p>"Because you could drink all that sake, without being scolded. I still wonder where and how it got stored."</p>
<p>"Oh please, like you didn't eat that wedding cake with your eyes?!"</p>
<p>"Seriously? Are we starting this now?"</p>
<p>"You are, not me."</p>
<p>"I thought you were funnier." Brief pause. "No surprise Madara is grumpy around you."</p>
<p>
  <em>Madara.</em>
</p>
<p>Hearing his name, Hashirama's heart skipped a beat. "Madara is always grumpy." His eyes closed.</p>
<p>"You sure?! Because tonight I caught him smiling a few times."</p>
<p>He may be an idiot, but he is not brainless. Mito was playing with him. He doesn't know what she wanted to point out with this statement, but she is a woman. Women are artfully sly foxes by nature, and taking the fact to the heart that she is an Uzumaki, he could fall into the trap in a flash of light. "I don't know. I haven't seen him smile for months, since Izuna..." Hashirama swallowed, unable to finish. His chest clenched as memories of Madara with a smiling face were playing behind his closed eyes. <em>'What is he doing right now? Is he sleeping? Sitting by the window watching the stars? Maybe crying...'</em> Hashirama bit his bottom lip, suppressing a shaky breath from escape. <em>'He's so alone...'</em></p>
<p>Mito moved a little closer, shifting the mattress. "Hey, I didn't mean to hurt you..."</p>
<p>"You didn't," Hashirama lied. "I'm just tired."</p>
<p>"Yeah, me too."</p>
<p>"Come here," he said wrapping one arm around her shoulders, pulling her towards his chest. "I hope this is fine."</p>
<p>She leaned against him, letting her head fall on his shoulder, one of her hands resting on Hashirama's muscled chest, enjoying the warmth. "Sure it is."</p>
<p>The silence, as heavy as the darkness in the room, embraced both of them. Mito's fingertips, started caressing Hashirama's bare chest moving from right to left, back and forth. Unsure what else to do, Hashirama just embraced her tighter.</p>
<p>Two minutes past. Then five. And two more.</p>
<p>And suddenly the mattress shifted from his left.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>When Mito's fingers travelled up and traced Hashirama's jawline and cheekbones before her hand found its way back to his chest, he could feel her body pressing into his.</p>
<p>Supporting herself with a hand still placed on his chest, she slowly raised her upper body and leaned closer, invading his personal space, warm breath ghosting all over his face. When Mito closed the distance between them kissing Hashirama on his lips with her own, a sudden episode of intense confusion and fear washed over him. His eyes wide open looked around the room, appreciating the lights out since he was dumbfounded but made no move to stop her.</p>
<p>And Mito wasn't giving up either. Her lips were pressing against his, small hands griping his arms, shoulders, stroking his hair...</p>
<p>Eventually, Hashirama gave in, eyes closed, lips slowly parted to kiss her back, drifting further into the unknown.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Soon enough, clothes long forgotten were scattered on the floor, limbs tangled, their hips were meeting half way. In the beginning, it was hard since this was the first time for both of them, but somehow they have managed. Sometimes when Mito hissed, Hashirama infused some healing chakra to soothe her pain down there, sometimes held back to say if she wants to stop to tell him right away, and every time she shook her head from side to side as a way of saying no.</p>
<p>"Just go slow."</p>
<p>And Hashirama did. Hands caressing each other's sweaty skin, loud moans and sloppy kisses have mixed in the perfect and dynamic way leaving both of them breathless until...</p>
<p>Something strange and foreign bashed Hashirama's insides with feelings he found familiar and wished for Mito's moans next to his ear to sound deeper. More manly. But when nothing alike reached his sense of hearing, he shook his head and dipped down to kiss her on the lips with desire to taste something sweet. Something like chocolate. Or blueberries. Maybe something like sake. But the only taste lingering on his lips was some minty herbs and... oh, there is something sweet. Candy apple?! No!</p>
<p>Frowning, he parted from the kiss, burying his hands in Mito's hair. His fingers slipped through the silky texture, but that was not what he was looking for. Hashirama wanted the strands to tangle around his fingers, waiting for tomorrow to get rid of the same. Unconsciously, his pace fastened, breath hitched while he kept searching for something he persistently couldn't find. Agonized, Hashirama's hands moved from Mito's hair to caress her body. The skin under his fingertips was soft, scarless. Again, not what he was looking for. Giving up, Hashirama buried his nose in the crook of her neck, with a need to smell jasmine or sandalwood or patchouli or anything fresh. Hopes were all in vain because once again, he stumbled on disappointment. Honey scent filled his nostrils.</p>
<p>
  <em>'If only Mito could be a little more like Madara and less like her...'</em>
</p>
<p>Somewhere, at the margins of his mind, he heard Mito moaning his name, reaching her high, but Hashirama became still. Or rather mortified.</p>
<p>When his brain has processed the recent realisation till the end, and only then was everything perfectly clear. Every strange and foreign feeling Hashirama was dealing with all this time was actually an urge to kiss, touch, feel... Madara?!</p>
<p>Was he so tired he couldn’t use his great capacity for clarity of thought or did he definitely lose his mind? Yearning for a friend, no, his best friend, when being in bed with a wife... yearning for a friend who is also a man? Where has his sanity gone? He shouldn't... no, he can't feel like this. These feelings are wrong. Unnatural. Even though he wants and repeats to himself, the denial has never found its way to his heart since the yearning and yearning ripped him off and spread all around.</p>
<p>Calming himself, Hashirama cupped Mito's face with his hand, kissing her on the forehead. "Thank you," he whispered before he huddled back into his side of the bed, curling his cover around himself.</p>
<p>His day started with <em>'What could go wrong'</em> only to end with <em>'Everything'</em>.</p>
<p>Dead tired, he finally gave over to the heavenly realm of sleep.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I edited the 1st and 2nd chapter so many times until I was satisfied. Here goes the 3rd chapter stil from Hashirama's POV, but I promise the next one is Mito's.</p>
<p>thank you for all support and kind words. I'm beyond thankful for each.<br/>♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Moira (Part 2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dawn is magnificent.</p>
<p>Forever pure, dewy, radiating hope and a chance for a new beginning. Over an hour ago, the darkness was absolute, but now the mist was visible, silvery, and every colour changed from tinger of charcoal to vibrancy.</p>
<p>The sun slowly blooms on the horizon, golden petals stretching ever outwards into the rich blue, filling the sky with shades of orange and pink. Peach and magenta, amber and rose canvas with woolly clouds that moved in shoals towered over the still sleepy and silent Konoha.</p>
<p>So ordinary extraordinary. </p>
<p>The air was so fresh yet so balsamic, pouring out the genuine force of nature against the skin like a long-desired touch to cure a broken heart. Therefore, Mito loves watching the sunrise; it is a time when the life asleep inside the ground awakens and the day casts away the cloak of night.</p>
<p>And Mito hates night.</p>
<p>With only the starlight and the waxing moon for light, the blackness is almost complete. When she tilts her head, she could see millions of bright stars dotted on the black canvas of night, yet none of that light seemed to filter far enough down to make any difference when she turns her eyes away. And then dead silence, as a lullaby to put everyone into a false sense of security, is something she will never get used to because the nights she became familiar with were restless and sleepless. Whether she found herself thinking about the past or future, or even trivial things that hold little importance, persistent thoughts were enough to keep Mito away from sleep. The more her thoughts raced, more alert she became. She would fight for too many hours to stay dreaming, and in the end, she knew there was nothing left to do but get up.</p>
<p>The circle of being impatient and waiting for another day to squeeze out the last inky shade of an endless night started three months ago when... her father and the elders of Uzushio made the last decision on their behalf, on the most important matter in her life.</p>
<p>Marriage.</p>
<p>The past three months Mito felt like in a trap, stuck somewhere between the reality and dreams; everything seemed so blurry and rushed, and there wasn't any emotion she could pinpoint and say, <em>"Yes, that's how I felt".</em></p>
<p>Most of the time she was lost, like everyone she knew, everything around her, everything she was thinking and feeling, was fake. Instead of being present, she felt like a detached observer, watching herself from a disconnected vantage point with no possible way to reconnect herself to reality. It felt as if she was losing her very sense of self.</p>
<p>What else a young woman like her could possibly dream about, if not to wrap herself up in the luxurious freedom and find a perfect man of her own free will? A man who would be a soulmate, the other half of hers. A man whom she would love so long and so wonderful and live by the belief that nothing earthly could bind their destinies. A man to whom she would give birth to their beloved children, keep the house and bed warm. A man who would love her back with the same selfless passion and devotion...</p>
<p>It sounds like a perfect life. Even if problems had come around, they would have solved it together, seeking for harmony in the name of mutual happiness. And that sounds perfect too, and everything else would sound perfect for as long as they love each other.</p>
<p>Mito was entitled to it. Or she believed so. Or she was just trying to ease her pain through these little, sweet imaginary expectations.</p>
<p>But painful facts of life can sometimes make it hard to dream, and speaking of hers, everything was either planned or served on a plate, she just had to agree or pick. Raised in the family as an obedient daughter who cannot say 'No' since it was a sign of disrespect and ungratefulness... Mito embraced her destiny and accepted the proposal to marry no more, no less, but Senju Hashirama.</p>
<p>She was on the edge of becoming an emotional killer, but some strange circle of events from the Heavens above found its way back to her, and she received a letter... no, not a letter but an invitation written by Hashirama himself with assurance of a warm welcome whenever she comes and feels ready to discuss the wedding.</p>
<p>Since her being hasn't been in the perfect state, after reading it, she crumpled an invitation and carelessly tossed it away, but... three days later, a desperate need for any change made her to look for the note once again, take her leave from Uzushio and headed to Konoha. There is a world outside the walls of Uzushio to see and other people to meet. She has nothing to lose, anyway.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Konoha is so different from Uzushio, but truth to be told, Mito has never pictured it that way. Cheerful and lively people would stop in the middle of their work to exchange greetings, children would run to her carrying some of the most beautiful flowers as a welcoming gesture, sellers would give her delicious ripe fruits... It felt so beautiful for her as a stranger to be accepted in this way.</p>
<p>Together with her maids, she stayed in a guest house close to the Hokage tower because Hashirama insisted on it and made sure they were close in case something was needed to be taken care of.</p>
<p>And Hashirama... he is so different from the memories Mito had of him. Since Senju and Uzumaki were distantly related, their families used to gather, so the last time they saw each other, both were still kids. Mito would always set aside and be silent, and Hashirama was as elusive as water, always on the move. They barely talked or had any interactions at all. And now... he is all grown-up and... tender and... careful and... such a looker.</p>
<p>Hashirama is just as they call him. God of Shinobi. The man is a raw walking power. Tall and handsome. Broad shoulders, long brown hair, tanned skin, chocolate eyes, straight nose, plush lips, dimples on cheeks. Besides his good looks, Hashirama has a heart made of gold. Kindness, generosity, selflessness, compassion and love are radiating from him wherever he goes. His warm and addicting chakra gives him special youthfulness, and before she could sort out everything inside her head, Mito found herself being attracted. <em>'Who wouldn't fall for such a man?'</em></p>
<p>Day by day, her mood was getting better and Hashirama's presence more pleasant, and she could picture the rest of her life here in Konoha. Next to Hashirama, feeling safe and protected.</p>
<p>It is strange how little was needed for her to be happy, yet that little would always slip through her hands.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Their conversations were dynamic; from the number of invited guests they would jump over to ridicule Hashirama's bowl cut hairstyle he used to have. <em>"What could I do? My father was a hairdresser for the entire family. We were at war, and trust me, that bowl cut was perfect for how he used to rush everything," </em>he would say.</p>
<p>But sometimes, when the conversations were perched at their highest peak, he would abruptly stand up, look out of the window and say something out of the blue, like how beautiful the sky was that day.</p>
<p>Some other days, he looked like his usual self, but his eyes were tired and distant, the words were floating in the space, the smile faded... hurt and longing in his voice were almost palpable, but Mito never dared to ask. Everybody has bad days, so she just let it be.</p>
<p>In the beginning, she really couldn't understand what was going on because Hashirama was usually loud and talkative, and mood swings were not his cup of tea. Fortunately, she has a strong sixth sense, and only when fully awakened, she could have a perfect insight about anything. And the final conclusion was; Hashirama has a minor defect.</p>
<p>It's nothing physical or mental, but a person.</p>
<p>Whenever he heard something about <em>that person</em>, he would stop in the middle of whatever the hell he was doing and turn in the direction the name was coming from. His eyes would beam with strange affection, and the smile broadened, including the dimple.</p>
<p>What pained little was the certainty that <em>that person</em> had probably known all about her while she knew some basics about the latter which were well-known by everyone else.</p>
<p>Hashirama's friend and rival for a decade. Maybe more. Co-founder of Konoha. A legendary and fierce shinobi. Cold, but high-class elegant.</p>
<p>
  <em>Uchiha Madara.</em>
</p>
<p>Hashirama never talked to her about him, but she knew about their places, one at the riverbank, another at the top of Hokage mountain. Neither did he mention to take a walk over there, nor to invite Madara for dinner so they can finally meet.</p>
<p>After almost a month, Mito saw Madara for the very first time by pure coincidence. She was on her way to Hashirama when she found them sitting behind the Hokage desk. Hashirama held a piece of paper, Madara was leaning over his shoulder reading it, their arms pressed together.</p>
<p>Hashirama's face never glow like it did back then. He was literally staring at Madara that much, she felt a little uncomfortable. Just like women, men admire another man, it is an undeniable law of physics, but... Hashirama's stare was so powerful it could break every possible law of anything and replace them with ones of his own. '<em>Nah, you're overthinking, Mito. It's just admiration.'</em></p>
<p>To convince oneself can be helpful until the eyes catch a glimpse of something words cannot explain... and Mito had the most perfect timing at that moment.</p>
<p>Madara bit his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth. Hashirama's eyes immediately dropped down to Madara's lips, lingering there for one... two... three... four... five seconds. When Madara tilted his head, sucking his lips into his mouth, Hashirama suddenly realized he was staring and flicked his eyes up and away only to find Mito standing by the door. <em>'Hashirama looks at Madara the same way I started to look at him. This is beyond admiration. This goes deeper. Deeper than just a friendship.'</em></p>
<p>And she just broke the spell.</p>
<p>Hashirama immediately stood up and only then introduced them to each other, and Mito would be lying if she said that Madara wasn't more beautiful than half the number of all people she has ever met all together. Long and curly midnight hair, dark orbs framed by goddamn long and dark lashes like every time he blinked, they nearly touched his high cheekbones. Pale skin glowed like the moonlight, velvety voice... whoever said that steadiness comes from character and commitment, looking at Madara, she found it to be true.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Mito does not suffer from jealousy. No. It is just strange and at the same time fascinating to witness one man cherish another. It isn't something that happens very often. Well, at least she has never heard of such affection. They were two pieces of the same puzzle; Hashirama is bright and wears his heart on his sleeve, Madara is dark and mysterious.</p>
<p>But what wasn't strange and fascinating is the expected unawareness of theirs. Hashirama looked as if he knew there were some feelings he couldn't decipher till the end, or he did but decided to neglect...<em> 'Nah,'</em> Mito thought, <em>'He is not bright enough for the second option.'</em></p>
<p>And Madara... to hell with his Sharingan when he couldn't see the obviously.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>At the day of her wedding, Mito has already given up. She didn't even want to try to fight for Hashirama's love because not everything is in victory, sometimes surrender is easier and more beautiful. Emotions alone are not enough, and they cost a lot, and she wasn't ready to spend years mourning the loss of a person who wasn't meant to be hers, or wait for recovery only to gain enough strenght for someone new. All that aside, what could she possibly do? How shall Mito believe in success and fight with her earthly attachments and determination to win love directly sent from Heavens above?</p>
<p>She recalls the wedding ceremony and how carefully she observed both of them only to find perfect sync. Hashirama all dressed up in white while Madara in black.</p>
<p>Madara is a mind, Hashirama heart. Mind creates light, heart creates love. Light impregnates, love revives.</p>
<p>Madara is strong because of his intellect, Hashirama invincible because of his tears. Intellect convinces, tears show mercy.</p>
<p>Madara has a choice, Hashirama the upper hand. A choice defines the right, supremacy defines strenght.</p>
<p>Madara's longing is the ultimate virtue, Hashirama's the greatest glory. Virtue defines all that is divine, glory defines all that is magnificent.</p>
<p>Madara thinks, Hashirama dreams. Thinking defines reality, dreaming defines serenity.</p>
<p>Madara is a shrine, Hashirama a temple. A shrine is for praying, a temple for admiring.</p>
<p>In short, Hashirama is there where the Earth ends and Madara where the Heavens begin.</p>
<p>Just like yin and yang.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>The act of love she had with Hashirama three hours ago... no, not the act of love, but pleasure was the last favor she would do for someone without asking anything in return.</p>
<p>Hashirama needed guidance through the storm of his feelings, and Mito volunteered. Even though Hashirama loves and cares for her, not as for a spouse but rather as a good friend, she embraced her destiny, but this time with gratefulness because he gave her something else she had desired for so many years. Something even better than love.</p>
<p>And that something is called freedom.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm dead... this was by far the hardest chapter and i hope you'll like it and if not... sorry, but i cannot do it better XD</p>
<p>much love ♡.</p>
<p>...and thanks for being patient</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Kairosclerosis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hashirama woke up a little before noon, tossing and turning for a few more minutes. Laziness and hangover were always a bad combo, but at least his body didn't feel slack and sore as it used to be. With his eyes still closed, his hand reflexively stretched to his left, tapping on the mattress four-five times only to find empty space. Grumbling, he was about to drop it, absolutely careless, but his previously lost consciousness finally decided to show up and shook somnolence away with echoing words in his head. <em>'You are not alone in bed anymore. Where is Mito?' </em></p>
<p>Suddenly, he got up, sitting on the bed to rub his knuckles onto his eyes. The sun came up enough to fully light the room, steadying his breathing and trying to make sense of what had just happened. Its dazzling and inviting rays flowed through the window providing warmth to his body, relaxing him. Mito was nowhere to be seen, her side of the bed was neat and clean. </p>
<p>He stretched his arms above his head, and yawning like a bear, he untangled from the covers, looking for any piece of cloth to put on. All he could find were those pants from the previous night, so he just slipped into them and decided to wait until the laziness evaporates from him, so he can find something normal to wear. The need to look alive again was the priority, so he headed to the bathroom. </p>
<p>- - - </p>
<p>After a quick shower, his stomach growled, waking up from its hungry slumber. Thinking about yesterday, he hasn't eaten a lot, and everything he has had was mostly made of mushrooms. His favorite mushroom creamy soup, mushroom ravioli, sauteed mushroom with soy butter sauce, a piece of wedding cake and... well, a lot of sake. </p>
<p>Alcohol is the mother of all evils, and hangovers are the worst part of a new day. Hashirama had studied all the effects, and there is none good. The liquor dilates blood vessels, and at first, it allures with a promising feel of being relaxed. But after a few drinks, heart starts beating faster, and the blood vessels can’t expand enough to accommodate all the blood. That additional pressure caused headaches. That's why his head slightly pulsated, but he could tolerate it, and to help replenish depleted nutrients, he just needs to eat foods packed with vitamins. </p>
<p>Talking about emotional state when drunk... </p>
<p>No. Skip that part. </p>
<p>He was in front of the bedroom and was about walking in to look for the clothes when the crumbling noise came from the kitchen. </p>
<p>Mito... </p>
<p>Regardless of the settled uneasiness that consumed his really being, somehow he managed to make his way into the kitchen. <em>'You should do it right after waking up. Idiot,'</em> Hashirama said to himself.<em> 'Oh no. No, Hashirama. Not that word and not in this moment and for sure not to think about the person who calls you like that.' </em></p>
<p>When he stepped into the kitchen, he found that Mito was already standing in the center of the room with hands on her hips, biting her bottom lip while her large, pupilless eyes were fixated on the mess on the floor. She wore an elaborate, high-collared kimono with the Uzushiogakure symbol on the back of the obi which was tied around her waist. Her hair was arranged in buns with hair pins in them and three clips in the front. </p>
<p>"What happened?" Breathless, Hashirama asked with concerned eyes and parted lips. </p>
<p>Mito's eyes found his. "I wanted to make some tea, but the tea set," Mito motioned in its direction, "just dropped out of nowhere from the kitchen cabinet, and now it's broken." </p>
<p>"Are you hurt?" Hashirama asked once again, moving towards her. As far as he could see, she was fine, but that wasn't enough. He needed a verbal declaration to assure himself she was indeed. </p>
<p>"No," she shook her head, "but I'm really sorry it broke. It was such a nice s-" </p>
<p>Hashirama interrupted her in the middle of a sentence by pulling her into a tight embrace, and replied in a lower voice. "Who cares about the set? I'm glad you're fine." And now he certainly was. Seriously, who would like to have a dead wife at the very beginning? </p>
<p>Oh! This is something new. He woke up all ready to live the rest of his life as a married man. </p>
<p>Huh? </p>
<p>Did the feel of guilt empower and compelled him to redeem himself this day with caring from all the sinful desires towards his friend from the last night? </p>
<p>Wait, what?! Dear Kami, please! Not now. </p>
<p>Trying to muffle his own thoughts, he focused on Mito's scent. Honey and some minty herbs lingered in her hair and clothes, and Hashirama found it was probably her favorite. </p>
<p>"Usually, I'm not this clumsy," Mito said in his bare chest. "But it is what it is, so... yeah, nevermind. How are you today?" </p>
<p>Hashirama sighed, parting from the hug. "Well, aside from my headache and the hunger, everything is fine. How about you?" </p>
<p>"Same," she clarified in some kind of hurry. "Hey, there is orange juice and some fresh pancakes I have made. You can take a bite until I make something more satisfying for your appetite." </p>
<p>"Perfect. But first, let's clean this mess... no," he corrected himself. "Firstly, I'm going to put some proper clothes on. Once I take these off", he said pointing at his pants, "I'll throw them across the country." </p>
<p>Both of them were laughing when he left the kitchen and departed to the bedroom.  </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Once Hashirama came back properly dressed in green hakama, and white short-sleeve kimono, they cleaned the floor, made some good, traditional dishes, laughed and talked about the wedding, and maybe they did gossip a few people about their clothes and drunken behavior. </p>
<p>Later, while drinking their tea in the garden, Mito asked Hashirama about some plant species and how he took such good care of them. There were so many she saw for the very first time, some others were the same as in Uzushio, and even though the climate is so different in Konoha, the plants were still so beautiful and healthy. She was also curious about the entire concept of the garden, koi fish pond, flowers, trees, the swing chair, and Hashirama beamed with enthusiasm while he was explaining everything as well as he could. </p>
<p>Hashirama was so thankful they could talk about anything with the mutual respect of privacy and understanding. Mito was such a lovely human being, and not even once did she say something that could harm or redirect the way of their calm and nice talk. </p>
<p>But to be completely honest with himself, he was a little afraid to face her because somehow, deep down, he was convinced that Mito knew a lot of things he discovered last night. </p>
<p>He is still afraid and feels as if he was in a cramp, for Mito could easily just mention Uchihas or Madara, and everything would just start to crumble without an easy way for rebuilding. </p>
<p>Scratch that. He doesn't need anybody else to ruin his mood when he can do it better himself. </p>
<p>
  <em>Madara... </em>
</p>
<p>The name echoed in his head in a voice as it belonged to his inner beast he didn't even know he possessed. </p>
<p>Hashirama can’t pinpoint the exact moment he developed serious feelings for Madara, but all he could remember was being nervous before, during and after every meeting where both of them were present. He always had so many things to say, and Madara had almost none - but he still wanted to impress him, to do well. When he was speaking, he would become fully immersed, his whole face would change, and Madara would just sit there, staring at him, and Hashirama's whole core shook if or when their eyes met. Sometimes, Hashirama felt his whole axis tilting, and when he was about to stand up and bow to present people as a way of greeting or an excuse when he felt need for it or parting their way, he thought he might actually embarrass himself even further by falling over. </p>
<p>But being nervous doesn't mean he feels something stronger and more serious for Madara. </p>
<p>Or it does? </p>
<p>Dear Sage of Six Paths, from where to start?!  </p>
<p>For a random passenger that would pass them or a person who likes to observe others and what they do, Hashirama and Mito would exactly look like a casually newly-wed couple enjoying each other's presence like everything's perfect. </p>
<p><em>'Huh. How delusional everything can be',</em> Hashirama thought. </p>
<p>Now, not only was he afraid but rather paralysed by the thought that a panic attack might kill him because... well... he was thinking about his best friend, questioning his possible, sinful feelings for him, and trying to understand all of this together while sitting with his wife in the garden, drinking their tea. </p>
<p>If due to some logical explanations and rational thinking, whatever happened last night was just his imagination. He was drunk, and tired - there inhibitions got low, and Madara was all dressed-up and beautiful, and glorious - there emotions got high, and... everybody was affected, including other men. </p>
<p>Why would Hashirama be an exception?! </p>
<p>Still... </p>
<p>Those statements are good enough to describe some parts and events of the previous day and night, but it certainly wasn't the first time Hashirama was three sheets to the wind, or Madara being gorgeous... so, what about those parts when he was all alone? He just could not get Madara out of his mind. </p>
<p>Not even now when the memory of their brief moment under the shrine was replaying in front of his eyes. </p>
<p>The following sip of his tea was gravel-guilty flavoured because one important detail captured his attention. </p>
<p>It wouldn't be such a big deal if it hadn't happened around midnight because... midnight is a bridge between the previous and the next day, and Madara was the last and the first segment of his... </p>
<p>And just like that, Hashirama easily ended up swimming in frustration and internal anger issues he didn't know how to resolve. He also had no clue how to behave since that realisation shook and detached him from the rest of the world. That all together drove him all panicked with a persistent feeling of shame following crazy mood swings; anxiety-tremor-blockade-more tremor. </p>
<p>What if that was already manifesting? </p>
<p>And Mito was right there. </p>
<p>After long-stretched silence, Mito's terrifying, annoyingly-strange sixth sense for bad things that occur at the best time awakened, and she looked back over at him. Hashirama ducked his head and coughed, trying to pass it off as a joke by smiling a little, but it didn’t reach his eyes. </p>
<p>"Everything fine?" Mito asked taking a sip of her tea. </p>
<p>Blinking innocently, Hashirama answered. "Yeah, sure. Why?" </p>
<p>Mito shrugged. "I don't know. You seem," she narrowed her eyes, "distracted." </p>
<p>Hashirama knew he had to think fast because as far as he could notice, Mito was brilliantly smart and witty. There is no time for deep thoughts when she keeps pushing her own. "No, I'm still a little in a trance, don't mind me." </p>
<p>He heard Mito hum, not really convinced, taking another sip of her tea, falling into the uncomfortable silence this time. </p>
<p>Maybe she was waiting for him to say something or thinking about how awkward he is. Maybe she might think that this awkward silence was her fault. Maybe she might be panicking just as much or more than him, but Hashirama found that this current state of their relationship could endanger the entire process for further bonding. Unpleasant blankness in his head would cause too short answers, make him forget to ask a follow-up question, or even just doesn't know how to keep the conversation going. </p>
<p>But regardless of whose “fault” it is, they should try to solve the silence themselves – not waiting for who will make the first step. So, he has to try to change the topic. But how? </p>
<p>If only Madara were there, it would be the easiest thing to do since he never really cared what to say or when to stop talking. Sure, it annoyed Madara straight to the Hell, and most of the time he used to tell him,<em> "Hashirama, can you please shut up? Your talking made my ears bleed."</em>  </p>
<p>Hashirama would just write that off as a joke because that's how things between them work. </p>
<p>Madara is a logical thinker and an enthusiastic listener who would listen carefully to everything Hashirama had to say before processing the information and coming to his own conclusions. Ability to transform any of his thoughts into concrete actions embellished his enthusiasm with no bounds, and therefore he possesses a great sense of sarcasm and an intense curiosity. Freedom was his greatest treasure, and because of his frankness and courage he never wasted time on learning how to express himself in a tolerant and socially acceptable way. As a person of a very few, but quite harsh, resolute words, he will seem impossible to penetrate at times as if nothing could touch him. Mostly for that reason, people thought that he was a rude, unpolite and negative person who loves to complain, but the truth is, Madara just speaks his mind and values freedom and independence over everything. </p>
<p>The primary reason for spending time with Hashirama was simply for companionship, not to be alone. It made Hashirama happy, so he didn't think he had to be super interesting all the time, but it also hurt because he wanted much more than that. </p>
<p>He longed to be with Madara. To ease his loneliness and pain, to make enough space for Madara to express himself as well, to make him realize that Hashirama will always be by his side with unconditional support. </p>
<p>Their conversations are something Hashirama loved the most, as well as silences. Sometimes, there was no need for any words at all, they would just exchange brief looks, wiggle their eyebrows and seal a deal with a nod. That usually happened at the meetings when they were bored beyond limits or when they heard something really dumb and nonsensical. </p>
<p>"You know, we could check out the wedding gifts." </p>
<p>Hashirama needed a few seconds to adjust his level of awareness when and where his thoughts about Madara should stop and when he should focus them on Mito who, once again, grounded Hashirama's nervous habits that were screaming anxiety. </p>
<p>As soon as he realized what to do, he hurriedly set aside his tea cup and stood up, overwhelmed by the sudden relief. "Fine. Let's see who got more," he said, pointing his chin back. </p>
<p>Mito stared at him until Hashirama turned away, smiling to himself. "Those gifts are mutual, Hashirama," her joyful voice helped him to relax a little more, "but I do admit I'm eager to see the ones from my family members." </p>
<p>Hashirama, as he remembered something he forgot, stopped midway, turned to face her and asked. "Why do I have a feeling like you told them what to gift you?" </p>
<p>Giving him a stern look, Mito responded. "Because their gifts for brides, given their way, suck." It was so funny and cute to watch her trying to camouflage her flushed cheeks by walking away to pick up the tea set. "And if I don't find what I'm expecting, I won't accept anything else." </p>
<p>"I am way too excited, I cannot even wait to get inside," Hashirama said with a laugh which made Mito stop and stare at him once again. Apologetically, and with a serious face expression, he raised his hands in the air as in defense. "No hard feelings, I was kiddi-" </p>
<p>"Give up Hashirama," she cut him off, "but let me tell you one thing. When it becomes easy to annoy me, feel free to realize that I am not interested in you anymore." </p>
<p>Hashirama sighed, long and loudly. "If you pay attention to women, they use it, and if not, men are idiots, and they don't care. Don't you think it's tough to be a man?" </p>
<p>He expected some bickering comments from Mito, but she only lifted her thin eyebrow, mumbling. "Tells a man who almost drowned in self-esteem ten seconds ago." </p>
<p>Narrowness, used to temporarily paralyze Hashirama's body, was slowly evaporating replacing it with comfort, and after an eternity of agonizing guilt, he could breathe a little more steadily. For how long he'd keep the floating thoughts under his control, he doesn't know, but as long as he tries to keep his attention focused on the external world, everything will be just fine. </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Opening wedding gifts was a completely new experience for Hashirama since he has never had a chance for such before, but it was fun either way. </p>
<p>Mito's family indeed gifted her what she told them; beautiful set of jewelry, a silver comb with ruby crystal flowers, ink and scrolls for seals, brushes, special paints and paper for painting since it was her hobby. On the other hand, Hashirama's gift, had an entire concept that must be followed. </p>
<p>According to Mito's speech, for Uzumaki's, the marriage is a sacred bond between the families that must be cherished. As a sign of their respect for accepting their women for wives, the tradition was to get three gifts that would be given to the groom; a golden medallion, piece of cloth and something from royal regalia. </p>
<p>A golden medallion should have engraved the clan's crests on each side and represent value of the marriage, so Hashirama's on one side was engraved with Senju's crest, and another with Uzumaki's. There was also a silk, green kimono; silk represents glory and tenderness, colour is chosen by the dominant colour of the groom's clan. And for the royal regalia, Hashirama got the Three Sacred Treasures. </p>
<p>After a short presentation, Hashirama understood Mito's demands about the gifts since all attention was directed at the groom. Although he found that harshly disrespectful for brides, traditions and customs were different and specific to everyone, therefore, that should be respected. Still, he loved everything, and he was happy for Mito who also got what she wanted. She deserved that much. </p>
<p>The rest of the gifts were interesting, but the most wanted one wasn't there. It was waiting for him in the office, next to his cute bonsai plant. He could not even think about what Madara could gift him since he is an exquisite person with a special kind of extraordinary sense for surprises. All Hashirama could perfectly define was eagerly awaiting for the rest of the four days to pass or fly away as soon as possible, so he can go to work just to check it out. </p>
<p>The genuine excitement was written all over his face until that feeling was all he needed to recollect some thoughts of the past, and out of nowhere, nostalgia wrapped him like a blanket. </p>
<p>The memory of his lost brothers and all the things they will never experience; peace, freedom, youth, joy... that moment when he saw their little bodies bathed in blood changed his entire life, and once the shock wore off, he was left with the pain that they were gone, and he didn't even have time for grieving. </p>
<p>He was barely fifteen when he joined the war. Every sane human being would say it was far too much to handle for one kid. </p>
<p>A kid, whose hormones were already going crazy at that age, didn't have to carry a burden of blame for being a careless or weak brother or to be familiar with the well-known feeling of loss, pain and hurt. Those feelings will hunt him till the end of the time, and there is no possible way to ever get rid of them. </p>
<p>As a really happy person, hatred could never be a part of him, but the most hateful thing he ever held for someone was towards his father who justified the death of his sons, Hashirama's little brothers as something nobel. </p>
<p>How many times he lulled himself to sleep, crying his heart out while gently caressing bruised cheeks caused by his father's hard slaps? He lost the count. In the time when encouragement was needed the most, his father would lose his temper and hit him just because he used to say. <em>"They were your sons! My little brothers!  We are blood of your blood, flesh of your flesh. Are you even scared a little of losing me and Tobirama too? Why do you have to be so cruel?" </em></p>
<p>Sometimes, when his father was away from home, his mother used to sneak into his room, take him in her arms and hold him for hours. She never had enough courage to oppose and stand up for herself or her offsprings when they were scolded. It was a father-made rule. <em>"Emotions are for weaklings, so don't treat them with kindness. The biggest pride for parents are strong children who are trained and ready to die for the Shinobi world anytime," </em>he used to say. </p>
<p>Hashirama remembered the uneven skin of her hands and the way she used to rub cold cloth against his bruises, crying all the time. She would plant kisses all over his face and tell him how proud she was, how strong he became, and how much she would always love him. He longed for those rare moments that much he would hug her so tight that it made his tinny arms hurt. </p>
<p>Those moments were enough to teach him the difference between care and arrogance, they were enough for him to become stronger and protect his loved ones. Those moments were enough to make a decision he would never be like his father. </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>When Mito called him for dinner, something in the air shifted and with every passing minute it felt more obvious and oddly strange. </p>
<p>That was supposed to be their first dinner, and Hashirama realized they weren't talking. They had already recapped the wedding earlier, they had talked about the gifts, they already swooned over how cool the garden and house were and how good the food they made was… and that was it. </p>
<p>It's not like he had never eaten in silence before, but by getting married, they were basically agreeing to have dinner together every night, whenever possible, yet... it was weird to be surrounded by silence, forcing a conversation could be a bad idea either since Mito looked totally unbothered. </p>
<p>Mito, who has the ability to see things from a grounded, practical and realistic perspective, would always say something. Did both of them need time to create a safe environment and relax in their conversations? Yes, but once they have enough intimacy, they keep their emotions in check, holding on to practical reasoning while embracing changes of each other. </p>
<p>Did she think he was ignoring her? Or maybe he got used to expecting her to do all the talk and break up the awkwardness Hashirama had always brought himself? Or was his mind completely occupied and obsessed with one persistent thought that much she waited for him to snap out of it and talk more? </p>
<p>Whatever it was, if they expect everything to magically change overnight, then it’s really important for them to sit down and try to be more realistic about their relationship (and what marriage) means. </p>
<p>However, Hashirama remained silent as well. </p>
<p>It felt right and wrong at the same time. Right - for waiting for the perfect moment to soberly assess their actions, wrong - for not trying. </p>
<p>It wasn't like he didn't care, it was that he only had so much bandwidth to deal with emotions and things that he came off as insensitive. He was too busy to care about Madara, Mito and himself simultaneously, and he is not exclusively great at sensing when another person is in need. </p>
<p>And Mito, stable and conservative, ready to endure and stick to her choices until they reach the point of personal satisfaction, were a bad combination too. </p>
<p>Both were on guard, with self-defense shields held up high, totally reserved. </p>
<p>In the end, and after all, they managed to ease the silence and overthinking was cut off when they had to do the dishes. </p>
<p>That was what Hashirama had thought, but everything made sense later on when they had to get ready for sleep and when Mito said something that made Hashirama quite nauseous. "I am sleeping in the guest's room." </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Hashirama knew it was inevitable that two married people living in the same house would be at odds sometimes, but he hasn't expected it to happen soon. </p>
<p>Well, at least not the day-after-wedding soon. </p>
<p>For a long time he remained sitting there, in front of Mito, on the bed, not really staring at her but seeming to have lost the inclination to move, looking sometimes at her, sometimes around the room. </p>
<p>Inevitable events in Mito's life have made her learn how to be and act all grown-up, ahead of her nineteen years, surprisingly calm, and ready to answer straightforward in a heartbeat, unlike Hashirama who was fidgeting nervously all the time. </p>
<p>He was struggling to balance his hesitance as well; for a person who could blab about anything and anytime, it was not easy for him to find the right words now. It felt daunting, and he was worried about saying the wrong thing, so he remained silent and didn't say anything at all, but at the same time... also felt as if silence could make everything even worse. </p>
<p>The strength of Mito's words caught him completely off-guard and by surprise - and therefore, whatever he thought about asking or saying, it couldn't be formed in a sentence. </p>
<p>What happened? </p>
<p>Once again, overthinking caught Hashirama off-guard and a headache with the most intense upcoming dull pain crept its way into his skull. Maybe he was already asleep, and all of this is just a lucid dream that he could end any second because if not, then the leftovers of his sanity will not stick to him for so long. </p>
<p>He is not ready to accept any of this and, more important, definitely not to discuss anything further. </p>
<p>When the unexpected happens, he is slow to think things out. Like a mental reflex, blame automatically came as the answer. In that state, he can declare something unfair. He may have a reasonable justification, and it certainly doesn't mean Mito would agree with him. He could condemn her when he might have better denounced the act. </p>
<p>It was like a big double trouble. </p>
<p>How did they even get here at all? </p>
<p>Actions and words that led to the current situation were foggy and slippery, but his brain and perception were not that slow, he couldn't remember what had happened a few hours ago. </p>
<p>And when he started thinking about everything, he realised that he had no rights to play the victim. </p>
<p>Half of the day he spent thinking about nothing else but Madara, and he could see that something occupied Mito as well, but she hesitated to say it out loud. Neither did he try to ask anything about her uneasiness. And everytime they tried to talk, they avoided the real problems talking about everything else, distracting each other. </p>
<p>Does that mean that a fickle universe will forever consider both of them indecisive and lull them to sleep with the sugar coated sweetness of a happy marriage? Certainly not. </p>
<p>Clearing his throat and still watching his interlaced fingers, after an eternity of waiting to say anything, Hashirama finally spoke. "Why?" </p>
<p>"No need to question the obvious." </p>
<p>Looking directly in Mito's eyes, Hashirama said. "Care to explain?" </p>
<p>"Hashirama," the new tone in Mito's voice additionally froze his body. She was full of herself, self-absorbed, and downright conceited, and Hashirama hated the fact it was all justified. "Let's skip the part of pretending like you don't know what I'm talking about." </p>
<p>"But I don't," he whined like a wounded deer caught in a predator's trap that was desperately trying to run away, but no move could be effective. </p>
<p>Things suddenly shifted inside Hashirama's head, and nothing else could explain what he felt when he realized that his behaviour led to this. He had a need to say so many things, to apologize or do anything just to end all the consuming awkwardness and prove to Mito he wants to make things right. </p>
<p>Instead, he just sank deeper into the silence, completely abashed. </p>
<p>"I thought you'd say so." </p>
<p>What's that supposed to mean now? Why cannot they find a common word or get to the point that caused their discomfort? </p>
<p>Hashirama opened his mouth to say something more, but Mito held up her hand and cut him off. </p>
<p>"I wanted to give you this day to collect all of your thoughts and at the end of it to sit down and talk like grown-up people do, but since you need everything painted, I'll tell you myself." </p>
<p>With a puzzled look plastered on his face, he stretched out his open palms as an invitation for Mito to go on. </p>
<p>"I know Hashirama." </p>
<p>Still, with the same face expression, his head sank lower, and his voice was drifting off when he asked. "You know what, Mito?" </p>
<p>"I know how you truly feel," brief pause. "I know you are in love with Madara." </p>
<p>"What?" Caught off guard by her sudden statement, it was all he could manage to say. Everything became warbled as his mind was blank and eyes wide as he stared at Mito in disbelief. </p>
<p>Him? In love with Madara? Where did she get all of this for Kami's sake? And he thought he was crazy! </p>
<p>Was she mocking him? If so, he got a joke, even sophisticated as it was. </p>
<p>He would kill just to know how she came up to that realisation. </p>
<p>Just because he used to think about Madara, which truth to be told, was a little confusing because when everything seemed just fine, without any particular need or a reason, and out of nowhere, Madara was in his mind occupying every part of his being. But it certainly doesn't mean he is in love with him. </p>
<p>All of a sudden, he started to laugh, examining Mito with a touched look on her face as he realized she wasn’t making fun. </p>
<p>She was sincere. </p>
<p>Never before had Hashirama noticed how time is so much like water; that it can pass slowly, a drop at a time, even freeze, or rush by in a blink. </p>
<p>While his laugh was slowly calming, for some reason, he got nervous and felt uncomfortable holding eye contact with Mito as if she had an ability looking into his soul, so he looked away, shaking his head sadly. </p>
<p>Huh! In love?! With Madara?! </p>
<p>Two men in love?! Never heard of such affection - not only because it was wrong, but rather impossible. Especially speaking of Madara who had never showed affection towards anyone. Male, female - none. </p>
<p>That's even worse... </p>
<p>With only Hashirama being affected, it would be love that is not returned or rewarded. </p>
<p>He would be the only person making effort to communicate. He would be the only one reaching out to check in with Madara to see how the day is going or find out what important things are happening in his life. He would be the only one who would desire to touch, hold hands, kiss and hug. His longing for connection includes physical contact, but he knows he would find that he would always be the one initiating any physical touch, or that when he attempts to physically connect, he would meet with resistance or Madara pulling away. </p>
<p>The real problem would come from trying to figure out Madara’s true feelings. No matter how much he may think it would be easy to figure that out, he knows it won't. It would be an experience that can leave him feeling pain, grief, and shame. </p>
<p>Those were just some of the reasons that can begin to take over Hashirama's emotions and taint reality. That relationship would never stop being heavy and complicated. </p>
<p>Impossible. Longing. Sinful. Shameful. Unacceptable. Unrequited. One-sided. </p>
<p>Wait! </p>
<p>Had he really let himself think about what being in love with Madara would feel like? Had he really let himself go that far? </p>
<p>Does that mean he... </p>
<p>And then, everything stopped. </p>
<p>In the grip of silent panic, his wild eyes filled with horror, heart was racing, brain synapses firing like a hyped-up internal aurora borealis, he felt like running aimlessly, then frozen in place. </p>
<p>Indescribable pain within his heart bloomed and sprouted its branches empowering him, flowing through his veins instead of blood. </p>
<p>Hashirama swallowed, unable to understand, just as he had been unable to understand or say any of his other feelings out loud for all these years. Not even to himself. </p>
<p>If he said it, it would become more real. So, unconsciously, he had suppressed it, packed it up, locked it deep inside the recesses of his mind and heart. Safely tucked away. </p>
<p>Out of nowhere, one by one he went over each and every memory with Madara since their summer in their teenage years began and laid it to rest. He remembered the tingling in his stomach every time Madara grinned at him. He remembered the warmth he felt every time Madara barged into his personal space during the spar. He remembered the feelings that ravaged his body every time Madara's hand touched his. </p>
<p>He remembered the silly joking declarations of adoration that had moved him more than he would ever acknowledge, he remembered the soft smiles. He remembered the weakness he felt when Madara glanced at him amidst a crowd of people that made him feel like he was the center of his world. </p>
<p>Noticing the shift in his behaviour, Mito walked over to him. "Hashirama, are you OK?" </p>
<p>Her well-meaning question made him feel put on the spot. He didn’t know how to reply. </p>
<p>"Hey," she came so close that he could feel the intensity of her gaze on his face, and just like it would help him to hide, he bowed his head shamefully. </p>
<p>"Hashirama, it's OK. Please talk to me." </p>
<p>The sudden urge to run away was much easier to do than when he was trying to force his brain to create something new to say out of thin air. </p>
<p>"Hey, look at me," Mito's soft palms cupped his face in an attempt to turn his face and make him look at her, but he just couldn't. </p>
<p>He worried that if Mito could see his eyes, she would find out how scared Hashirama feels talking to her about this and realize he is a loser. </p>
<p>If she looked closer, she could see the perfected mask of pretense crumbling down and raw emotions taking over him. If she listened carefully, she could hear the cries buried down deep beneath his fake laughs. It was fascinating how the dark held the power to bring the unsurfaced into the light. How it unmasks hidden so brightly. </p>
<p>Strange and foreign feelings have got his emotional hurricane in full force tonight. They want to pull him into its vortex, and, with each jibe, he felt the winds clipping his core. And as tempting as it was to jump in, to take up the thrill of the challenge, it always ends up in a fight, and, really, it's tiring on his emotions. </p>
<p>He looked down at his trembling hands for a long, charged moment, holding his gaze on the shiny metal around his finger, took in a deep breath, then let it out raggedly. </p>
<p>It was like his mind has shut down. Gone for a vacation. Abandoned him. </p>
<p>No. It can't be the truth. </p>
<p>No. </p>
<p>The pain had an unpleasant warmth to it, eating at his stomach. He had often prized himself in ignoring pain and just rocking on regardless, but that just wasn't possible right now. It owned him, dominated every thought, controlled every action. </p>
<p>Enough was enough. </p>
<p>He clasped onto Mito for support, and then his whole body started to shake. </p>
<p>A steady stream of salty tears flowed their way down his cheeks, releasing the sadness and sorrow that has been held inside of him for all this time, but still he did not make a sound. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide his grief, then overcome by the wave of his emotions, he broke down entirely, all his defences washed away in those salty tears. </p>
<p>He couldn't stop. Even as he pressed his hand against Mito's left shoulder, it shook, it trembled. </p>
<p>Everything was raw. Raw tears, raw emotions. </p>
<p>And he couldn't stop... he couldn't stop. Why could he not stop crying? </p>
<p>He sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her sleeping yukata. She held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked her chest. </p>
<p>Mito was right. </p>
<p>Not only he felt attracted to Madara, or lusted for him, he... </p>
<p>He loves him. </p>
<p>What has he done? </p>
<p>A tiny lapse let him pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before he collapsed again, his howls of misery worsening. </p>
<p>The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, small lulls giving false hope of an end, before hurling him back into the outstretched arms of his grief. Each peak robbed his ability to speak, sent him crashing to the bare boards. It was as though his blood had become acid, with the intent of destroying him from the inside out. </p>
<p>All he could do was writhe, the occasional whimper escaping to echo off the walls. </p>
<p>"Shh, you are fine. If you feel like crying, let it out. I'm here," Mito's kindness was manifested as comforting strokes of her hands in his long hair. </p>
<p>What has he done? </p>
<p>Shame seared through his abdomen better than a branding iron, his mind conceding to the torment, unable to bring a thought to completion. </p>
<p>What has he done? </p>
<p>Without meaning to, his body curled into something fetal, something primeval and all the while the pain burned and radiated until the blackness enveloped his sight. </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>Slowly and reluctantly, Hashirama uncovered his face. He blinked, closed his eyes, and blinked again. As if it was an emergency or as if his closed eyes had become a dangerous thing, he opened them fully. </p>
<p>His heart was still beating fast, and there was a buzzing in his brain with every thought in high definition, muscles felt weak, just like his chakra, and that all together was synched as panic with jump-leads. </p>
<p>Still lying in bed, he let out an exasperated sigh, debating whether or not he should get up. </p>
<p>"Do you feel better?" </p>
<p>Hashirama looked in the direction where the voice was coming from. He found Mito holding a glass of water standing right next to him, calm and collected. Even if there were another person around to speak to, he doubt he could utter a sound, so instead of a verbal answer, he nodded as for 'Yes'. </p>
<p>What time was it? How long had he been asleep? What happened? </p>
<p>As if she could hear his thoughts, Mito said. "Due to all the crying and stress, you collapsed less than an hour ago, and I let you rest. Here, drink some water." </p>
<p>He lifted himself into a sitting position, closed his hand tighter around the glass and raised it off her hand toward his lips. The burning sensation in his throat grew more when he pressed the cool glass rim against his lips. A single sip of water traced its way inside his mouth, he savoured it. Thick saliva lined the inside of his mouth immediately, sapping any moisture that may enter. </p>
<p>"Mito," his voice was so harsh, almost unrecognizable, and after a little cough, he drank more water to moist his throat, so his voice could sound a little softer. "Mito, I-," it was so hard to say something reasonable and normal after everything that happened. But every silence that happened in a conversation between them, Hashirama knew it was his fault. He thought he caused the silence by not knowing what to say, and would immediately stress himself out thinking he needed to fill it somehow. Being silent and overthinking led them to this current situation, and it will be no more, so he tried once again. "I know it sounds lame, but I- I'm- I'm sorry, Mito... for everything and... if you let me, I can try to explain. I- I own you that much." </p>
<p>"No, you don't have to be sorry, I promise, and for explanations, you own them to yourself, not me," she assured him with a little smile. </p>
<p>"But..." </p>
<p>"Hashirama, I only wanted to free myself from all the mental acrobatics of balancing, incorporating and supporting your relationship with your friend," hearing this, he was ready to speak out his displeasure, but she ignored it and continued. "It would take so much energy and time, and I don't want to forget to take care of myself. What else I shall do? Wait until you fall out of love, which will never happen? Or wait and live in fear you will cheat on me one day while I take care of our children? The sense of hurt and betrayal would be enormous, maybe even lead to divorce, and I don't want that," this made him confused. "So, please," she set next to him, taking his hands into hers, and spoke in a lower voice. "Tell me everything, I'll listen. Don't be silent or afraid just because you think something would sound wrong or shameful. Have enough trust in me and let me be there for you. You would do the same for me, I know it. I owe you that much." </p>
<p>Hashirama looked at his hands nested in Mito's and waves of shame drowned him. He felt that painful emotion because he failed to attain some ideal state of their relationship. It encompassed his entire self. </p>
<p>He is aware he doesn't deserve this, he knows the set of rules that determined whether his actions are right or wrong. Therefore, he doesn't deserve Mito nor her patience and support, for he felt like he abused her kindness. He attempted to withdraw his hands, but Mito held them more firmly. </p>
<p>"Whatever you feel right now may not be possible to describe or express, but being honest is what makes us believable. At least try to talk about yourself more openly. OK?" </p>
<p>Hashirama looked up and nodded. </p>
<p>Mito fell silent as a sign to give him enough space and time to say whatever was on his mind because he knows that she knows she had to tackle the situation in a way that would pacify him down instead of making him more nervous than he already was. </p>
<p>Her silence was somehow comforting and spoke for itself, it was peaceful in a way where Hashirama could feel at home and know that no matter what was happening, she would forever be there for him. </p>
<p>He coughed slowly, again, trying to sound more clear when speaking. "Well... I'll tell you whatever you want me to, but may I ask you a few things first?" </p>
<p>"Feel free," came an instant reply. </p>
<p>Hashirama concentrated into Mito’s eyes and decided to speak. "For how long did you-" he closed his eyes, pacifying his breathing and focused on talking without his voice dying down in his throat. Damn it, he had to sound more manly, so he tried again. "For how long do you know... what you know?" </p>
<p>"Three months. Less, more." </p>
<p>Three months? She came to Konoha around that time. How... when could she... "And regardless, you decided to marry me?" Hashirama was puzzled. </p>
<p>"What other choices did I have?" Mito's reply sounded as if he asked her about some most trivial matter. </p>
<p>Hashirama could swear that Mito saw the struggle within, the cascading stress triggers, the change in eye contact, posture and tone. And so he realised he needed her to be his stress buffer, to remain calm and well-balanced, so he can co-regulate with her. </p>
<p>"I can see it's difficult for you to understand," she said, "like I wanted to be hurt, right?" From the shift in her tone, he could tell his reaction caused her discomfort. </p>
<p>"No, Mito, please- I- I just don't know how to apologize. You must be hurt and lonely despite the fact that I had made a promise to get things right. And I want to," he told her, beginning to make eye contact again. </p>
<p>"We both know we couldn't expect too much from this marriage. We only did a favor to our people, and look," she said shrugging, "nobody cares for us now when we are left to circle around this doom." </p>
<p>"Do you really think we are doomed?" </p>
<p>"No," Mito knitted her eyebrows, "you may be confused, but I'm totally fine." </p>
<p>"Fine? How can you say you are fine?" Hashirama replied in a feeble voice, "and I'm not confused, I... I don't want to feel this way-" </p>
<p>"Then tell me how you feel, Hashirama" her voice raised while she was literally begging him. </p>
<p>"I can't, Mito," Hashirama's voice broke, eyes glimmering with watery tears, and he felt as if whole world was about to crumble once again. "It feels wrong so much it hurts, even now when I speak I can feel the pain flowing out of my every pore. That's how I know this isn't love, Mito. Love should be reciprocated, beautiful, acceptable. Not like this," the last words were spoken at the same time when his tears began to run down his face. "Certainly not like this." </p>
<p>"Hashirama, love isn't something you are running for. It just happens all of a sudden, settles down in the deepest parts of your heart and every emotion you feel is a path you must take and learn how to blend everything into perfection. As awkward and shameful as it might feel for you right now, each of us is unique in who or what we find desirable, and while sexual desire is often mysterious or even frightening, when you boil it down, it’s related to longings for love, affection, and safety. And the pain you feel is not the real pain. Perhaps the happiness of finally understanding yourself feels too overwhelming.” </p>
<p>Hashirama started to hear her speech in a different way—not for the words, but for what they tell him about his current emotions and perspective, and, unfortunately, Mito was right. </p>
<p>"Do you feel like that?" Mito's question was tender, calm, caring that he gave her a nod as a form of confession. "Then wipe away those tears and tell me what you will do about it?" </p>
<p>There was a delicious moment where Hashirama's face washed blank with confusion, like his brain cogs couldn't turn fast enough to take in the information from his wide eyes. "What what will I do about it?" </p>
<p>"When will you tell him?" </p>
<p>For perhaps a split second his grief was suspended, the surprise protecting him until it shattered like glass. It could be called as a shock, but to him they were the same thing for the first fraction of a second - an inability to compute. "Never, of course." </p>
<p>Mito wore a puzzled expression - her elegant left eyebrow was lifted, lips pressed into a thin line. "I am going to pretend I've heard wrong and skip to another question then. How long will you wait?" </p>
<p>"Mito, I'm not going to tell him. Ever." </p>
<p>"Why not?" </p>
<p>"I just got him back. I cannot lose him again." </p>
<p>"If you don't tell him, he'll lose even more." </p>
<p>"How so?" Hashirama's mind was still a surging perplexity. </p>
<p>"Because him feeling loved by you would overshadow every pain he ever felt." </p>
<p>That response was not expected. It left Hashirama silent. Wondering. </p>
<p>"I understand. Everything is fresh and confusing, but give yourself time, collect your thoughts and feelings, find that missing courage to let go of your shame and show off." </p>
<p>When listening, it was something so easy and simple to do, but... </p>
<p>"Don't make me feel worthless," now Mito's voice was a little raspy and out of breath. "For the entire life, I'm sacrificing myself for nothing. Don't let this one fall down as well." </p>
<p>"I have already let you down. What will people say if-" </p>
<p>"I don't give a damn about people anymore. I want to live for myself." </p>
<p>"Feeling betrayed?" </p>
<p>She looked at him with a little smile lingering on her glossy lips. "Wait a minute. Don't tell me you thought that I would go for a divorce or separation?" </p>
<p>"Well... yes." </p>
<p>"And go back to Uzushio? No, thanks," she hurriedly finished, rolling her eyes. "I can bear the lack of love but be happy in Konoha, rather than go back in Uzushio without love and unhappy." </p>
<p>"I love you, Mito," Hashirama confessed. "Maybe not like a husband should love his wife, but I really do." </p>
<p>"You can love two people at the same time, but not with the same intensity. Besides, I still have my terms, of course." </p>
<p>Hashirama nodded ready to hear whatever she came up with. </p>
<p>"We'll continue to live together. I need to feel safe and protected. The only change from now on goes for sleeping in separated rooms, but everything else stays the same." </p>
<p>Hashirama clicked with his tongue. "You think it'll work?" </p>
<p>"Nobody has to know what is happening between us. We both endured too much for others' sake, now it's another way around." </p>
<p>After that, comfortable silence embraced them, and they found enough comfort falling into it to rest. But then Hashirama remembered that he had one more thing on his mind for Mito to ask. </p>
<p>"Mito," he waited until she looked him in the eyes, "what about the last night when you... I mean when we... well, you know?" </p>
<p>Sensing him all nervous, she finished for him instead. "Slept together?" </p>
<p>"Yeah," his eyes looked away. </p>
<p>Mito sighed loudly. "Well, I thought that if we got more intimate, you'll feel like you were doing something wrong and be more aware of your feelings for Madara," her voice trailed off, "so..." </p>
<p>This night was indeed a rollercoaster for them since they have learned more things about each other then than they have in those previous three months. "All I am aware of right now is how recklessly I tainted your chastity." </p>
<p>"I did what I did on my own behalf. I won't abide by any rules anymore, Hashirama. You should do the same." </p>
<p>"I'll try," Hashirama smiled sadly. </p>
<p>"Now, when I think better, basically, I'm using you," she pointed a long finger in his face, "but I'm not sorry." </p>
<p>She tried to lighten the mood and successed since it made both of them laugh, and somehow things started to feel lighter, like soon enough they will sort out in place. When they calmed down, Hashirama stretched his arms and hugged her. </p>
<p>"Thank you," he said embracing her tighter. "Thank you, Mito." </p>
<p>She returned the hug as a silent promise that she would always be willing to lend a hand of friendship, and Hashirama felt it would last for a lifetime. </p>
<p>- - -</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>After a long break, there is the 5th chapter of this story. I want to thank you all for your kindness, love and support.I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and get ready for the next one.</p>
<p>♡.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Boketto</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hashirama was out in the garden, swinging in his chair completely relaxed and grateful, allowing his inner world to become a place of tranquility... unlike the last time when he was trying to clear his mind.</p>
<p>The breeze blew warm announcing the coming of summer's hottest days and nights. The aroma of the tall grasses was an intoxicating perfume, and the starry night above was a painting more sublime than any human could create.</p>
<p>Sometimes eyes need music, and the darker the night, the sweeter the song.</p>
<p>He tilted his head, gazing upward, eyes more open than they can be in the fullness of day, not looking at one star yet somehow seeing them all at once. In every direction there was a star, and if he should flee into the universe, any way would be the right way. They stood out like pebbles in front of a storm. Ever enduring these shone with the night cowered in an inky black sky linked to squids.</p>
<p>It seemed like guerrilla warfare as the darkness controlled the sky, yet the stars controlled the gleaming spots where they originated; and the war continued across the constellations.</p>
<p>He cannot remember the last time his inner peace was this strong; he felt ease, tranquility, and awareness. Steady breathing, deep quiet in mind and body — settled, no sense of deficit or disturbance, and no struggling with anything, or grasping after it.</p>
<p>Yet feeling this well wasn't a high feeling, or a low feeling, rather a slightly warm flat feeling – as if he was walking a road, he could simply stay on forever or choose a different path for the sake of adventure and fun.</p>
<p>It is so strange to be in peace with oneself when signs for such couldn't be seen, and back to the night of his confession, and regardless of how afraid and confused he used to be, the unbelievable relief of accepting the true nature of his feelings tasted sweeter than any wine.</p>
<p>That night, he and Mito talked almost till dawn; she asked him about Madara, what kind of person he is, when he started to feel differently for him, and Hashirama, by answering her sincerely, realised the real spectrum of his love for Madara.</p>
<p>That night, shared honesty between the two of them took all of the dark emotions in its path away. Hashirama's worries had burned away, and the tears that were continuously starting to form at the corners of his eyes melted down his face with a rush of relief. Crying felt good, especially when those were tears that he didn't want to push away. They weren't drops of sadness, no, but more like the feelings of joy, happiness and freedom streaming away from his hurt eyes, body and soul. That night, under the protection of Mito's care and compassion, Hashirama felt as if he could let the fear standing in front of Madara away with a single snap of his fingers. That night, he asked Mito for her forgiveness, apologized for hurting her, but she comforted him saying he gifted her a long-waited freedom. Besides, she never said she would not find someone for herself as well.</p>
<p>In the following days they made their little routine—they would wake up around nine in the morning, make some breakfast, walk around, joke, laugh, cook together, play shogi, drink some tea, go back to sleep—and no matter how trivial it sounds, Hashirama enjoyed it to the fullest.</p>
<p>But what he doesn't enjoy is the fact that he has to go back to work before planned since his daily duties as a Hokage couldn't be prolonged any longer. He spent three days completely carefree, soaking up the sun, enjoying simple things. He still had two more days off before heading back to his office to do paperwork, attend the meetings, and play catch up all week, but Tobirama's visit changed everything.</p>
<p>A few hours ago, he came to report the events from the recent meetings and inform Hashirama about a clan that came near Konoha's border, but since none can predict what kind of intentions they have, it requested Hashirama's presence for further actions.</p>
<p>Later on, when both Hashirama and Mito agreed to give their best and convince Tobirama to stay and have dinner as a family, it was everything but easy.</p>
<p>Tobirama's ego is so big that it can be pointless to try to change his mind once it has been made. Although he is charming, inquisitive, and optimistic; the difficulty comes in the fact that he thinks his delightfulness should make up for his not-so-attractive qualities, like self-centeredness and vanity. Hashirama has always found it very difficult for his younger brother to take another person into consideration. He just cannot deal with other people's emotions, but Kami helps a person who causes him any pain and doesn't immediately try to help him. It is not as he doesn't care, it is just that if asked directly for help, Tobirama will be right there, but not everybody has a genius mindset like him to sort things out in a record time. That is why Hashirama always has to spell it out for him.</p>
<p>Oh! And another thing that Hashirama found quite annoying is that if Tobirama gets a creative burst and is working on something that is important to him, good luck trying to get him to listen to anyone in any way. What he is doing is the most important thing even if what somebody else is doing is just as prestigious or beneficial.</p>
<p>Tonight, when Hashirama and Mito thought about giving up, Tobirama changed his mind, and, in the end, accepted an offer.</p>
<p>A little bit ashamed.</p>
<p>Why so? Who knows!</p>
<p>He is timid and very self-reserved by nature, so maybe his hesitation to accept it right away had something in common with Mito's presence?! Or maybe he didn't want to be considered a bother? Or maybe he felt uncomfortable for giving out a <em>hey-you-could-ask-me-to-stay-for-a-dinner</em> vibe?</p>
<p>But again, who knows!</p>
<p>He agreed to stay, and that was all that mattered. </p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>The dinner overall was nice, but of course there had to be a little moment of surprise when everybody fell silent, totally perplexed and nothing except weird glances between the present ones could be shared.</p>
<p>And credits for tonight's highlight of the evening, and a little moment of awkwardness goes to, none else but Mito.</p>
<p>It was hard to believe that next to Hashirama — who is the personification of confusement, and Tobirama — who is the personification of being phlegmatic, Mito would be the reckless one.</p>
<p>Mito, who is always two steps ahead with analyzing!</p>
<p>While brothers were planning and talking about the details for the upcoming meeting, she dropped the mic casually with her out of the blue question, "Will Madara-sama be there?"</p>
<p>Both Hashirama and Tobirama looked over at her, a little dumbfounded.</p>
<p>Hashirama, a chatterbox by nature, with his eyes wide open, gave Mito a grave look rapidly. His mouth were slightly open in an expression of stunned surprise, and although he was staring straight at Mito, he appeared not to notice her at all.</p>
<p>And for Tobirama... his face could be described in the sense that his words have stopped flowing, overthinking what to say next.</p>
<p>Sensing the upcoming tension, she even dared to ask, "What?"</p>
<p>Tobirama was still confused while Hashirama took the chance to sink deeper in his chair, shaking his head in disbelief, mouthing silent, "No."</p>
<p>Understanding the situation, she tried hurriedly to correct herself, but Tobirama was faster with a brief answer. "Of course he will be there, Mito dono. He is Konoha's co-founder."</p>
<p>"That's what I thought", she said, snapping her fingers.</p>
<p>For the last time, Tobirama looked over at his older brother with plenty questions written all over his face, but Hashirama just shrugged his shoulders taking another bite of his food.</p>
<p>The silence fell upon them for a few heartbeats, but somehow they got over it with Tobirama's hushed comment about the deliciousness of the desert, which caused Hashirama to sigh inaudibly with relief.</p>
<p>After finishing the dinner, the younger Senju expressed his thanks to Mito for the food as well as for the devoted time. Hashirama, while walking him out, did ask him to stay for a little longer and have some tea, but he refused politely saying that he had already stayed longer than expected.</p>
<p>Sentimental as he always used to be, Hashirama couldn't help but pull his little brother into the bone-crushing hug, and Tobirama neutral as per usual, patted him on the back, and quipped with an even tone. "Anija..."</p>
<p>"I missed you."</p>
<p>"Yeah, I missed you too, but seriously, can you let go of me now? We'll see each other again in less than twelve hours."</p>
<p>"Sure, sorry," Hashirama parted from the hug with a hint of hurt in his heart because Tobirama never liked physical contact, even with him as a brother, unlike him who was annoyingly clingy. "I'm just really happy you decided to visit us," he noted once again, and Tobirama, after a brief nod, walked his way home.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
<p>When the shoji door opened, Hashirama snapped out of his thoughts and lowered his gaze to see Mito with teapot, two teacups, and delicious sweets such as mushimono and strawberry daifuku set on the plate.</p>
<p>Drinking tea before going to sleep became their little healthy habit as a silent meditation. They would focus on the tea and themselves. As they drink tea, they also meditate and relish in the calm and stillness. Not only do they share tea, but they also share their insights and reflections. Sometimes they were surprised by what came to their minds from just drinking it.</p>
<p>It was like a therapy for the body as well as for the soul and heart.</p>
<p>But tonight would be an exception; they are going to analyze dinner, so while Mito was pouring tea in the teacups, Hashirama was the first to speak.</p>
<p>"Mito, what were you thinking when you mentioned Madara out of the blue?"</p>
<p>"What was wrong with that?" She peered his way, face resolutely unimpressed.</p>
<p>"Well, as I said, it was out of the blue," Mito nodded and took a sip of her tea, offering no ongoing conversation of her own, so Hashirama began again. "Mito, you don't know the speed of Tobirama's brain connecting the dots."</p>
<p>She nodded once again, and after swallowing her tea, proceeded. "Do you want to know what I really think about it, Hashirama? I think that little brother of yours came up with his own realisations long ago."</p>
<p>"How so?" Hashirama inquired.</p>
<p>"Well, what I wanted to say is, not only do I think, but I'm quite sure Tobirama is the very first person who realised the true nature of your feelings towards your bestie."</p>
<p>Oops!</p>
<p>"WHAT?" Hashirama leapt in the air as if a firecracker had gone off, his brain was desperately scrambling to make sense of it all. He turned himself fully to mirror her. "Why would you say that?"</p>
<p>Instead of a reply, Mito just gave him an unblinking stare, and motioned him with her hand to sit back into his swing chair once again.</p>
<p><em>'Ah, right,'</em> Hashirama thought.</p>
<p>Mito has already told him that once he hears something that can be emotionally destructive or damaging, he should tend to seek stability — to sit down, breath deeply, and gravitate to be calm, completely unbothered and collected.</p>
<p>And so, Hashirama obeyed silently and took his teacup right away.</p>
<p>Mito watched him as he drank his tea like a child who hadn't seen water for a week. But Hashirama was no child, and this tea certainly wasn't the type to drink in one go because the mixture of tea was quite strong; Camellia sinensis, ginger and kuding.</p>
<p>With each gulp, Hashirama's Adam's apple bobbed violently, and Mito wondered how he could handle the liquor's taste that was everything but pleasant. It is made to be sipped from a smaller teacup for purpose, but Hashirama, right after emptying the first cup, went straight into pouring another one. In the end, Mito couldn't stand it anymore, and she did mutter something about drinking it slowly before he ended up in a coma.</p>
<p>But maybe that's what he's shooting for since he narrowed his eyes at her. Sarcastically.</p>
<p>Before taking his first sip from the second poured cup, Hashirama stopped midway with his eyes wide open that were staring into the empty space of the night. Uncertainly, almost as if the question was only for himself, he whispered, "Was I that obvious?"</p>
<p>Despite the seriousness of the situation, Mito couldn't help but chuckle and toss a joke. "That much he decided to marry you."</p>
<p>"Mito," he shouted with a face stuck in an incredulous expression.</p>
<p>"Hashirama, please calm down, I'm joking," she uttered tenderly.</p>
<p>"Mito," Hashirama waited until she turned to look directly at him. Only then he pointed an accusing finger at her and remarked, "Don't even joke like that."</p>
<p>"Fine, but keep in mind that you cannot hide forever. Eventually, you will have to tell him."</p>
<p>"To whom? Tobirama or Madara?"</p>
<p>"Both."</p>
<p>Hashirama was shifting in his swing chair, his head bowed to look at the ground, and the guilt sat not on Mito's chest but inside her brain.</p>
<p>Tomorrow, Hashirama and Madara will meet for the very first time after his life was changed from its roots.</p>
<p>She truly wants to help Hashirama, to ease his struggling, so once he is ready to face Madara  and confess, she wants him to be prepared fully either for the best or the worst. Never doubting his qualities; neither as a man, a friend nor a lover.</p>
<p>But tonight, she isn't quite helping him.</p>
<p>Hashirama told her that he embraced those feelings and would try to cope with them on his own way, but it is so obviously hard to accept all of them within four days, let alone to wield them.</p>
<p>She can feel the pain that swirls in his brain, all the excuses he keeps telling to himself as if they hold answers. Well... they don't. People do things because their emotions are driving them that way... all those things that hurt Hashirama had nothing to do with him at all... and perhaps that's even worse. The thing is, if Mito shows him how to practice 'mental purity,' if she helps him to clean out those confusing thoughts, everything gets better so very quickly.</p>
<p>He could never refuse or be in a low mood because of giving so much energy out to help others, and yet he never needed some "Hashirama" time, a chance to rest, relax and recharge his soul.</p>
<p>On the other hand, Mito is so different in that term.</p>
<p>When in a low mood, she could connect strongly to the parts of herself that need healing and get a real sense of how the deeper self needs to feel loved by her as much as by the others.</p>
<p>But all she did until now was joking around as if that could make Hashirama feel better!</p>
<p>That was enough for her to stand up, crouch in front of Hashirama, curl her index finger and hook it beneath his chin to raise his head.</p>
<p>In the moment their eyes locked, Hashirama's were confused and hurt, but, nevertheless, Mito spoke. "I'm sorry for being rude. I know I should be helping you, but it seems I am not good at it tonight."</p>
<p>He solaced her with a little smile. "Don't blame yourself for my state, Mito. This burden is only mine to bear, so..."</p>
<p>The soft skin of her palm cupped Hashirama's cheek, the genuine sincerity was radiating from every move she made, even her voice was softer than zephyr dancing across rose petals. "There is a solace in feeling the goodness of one's soul, in the gentle certainty that one was born to absorb and reflect heaven's love, and that's so you. Although, I can't promise I will always say the right things at the right time, I do promise I will never leave you to deal with any of this by yourself."</p>
<p>Before she could even prepare herself to reciprocate the gesture, Hashirama hugged her with all his might. "Oh, Mito, if I am thankful for each tree to grace the ground, then my gratitude for you is deeper and so much more."</p>
<p>Both chortled at Hashirama's pun, appreciating their appreciations for each other, and together they raise each other up that way.</p>
<p>And where there is appreciation, there is gratitude, where there is gratitude, there is genuine positive feeling... it's a sweet place for friendship and trust to grow. It's the right kind of inflation.</p>
<p>- - -</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>OK, my friends, get ready for the next chapter because our beloved idiots are finally going to have some serious encounter.<br/>♡.<br/>love you all... and happy holidays to those who celebrate them. ^_^</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>